Sunday, March 28, 2010

benefits of being enough

(me trying to pimp Brene to my sheep - they all have a strong sense of inner worthiness which is part of the reason i love them so much)

now that i have a tshirt to prove it

(and you can have one too of course just follow the steps at the end of this post)

i want to talk about the benefits of being enough


Suddenly by being enough you can be much kinder to yourself.
All that frenetic dancing, all that hustle for worthiness, the plastered on smiles, ALL OF THAT EXTRANEOUS ENERGY SAPPING CRAP just doesn't seem so necessary.

All the energy you waste being something you are not and something you don't even really want to be but think you should in order to achieve some kind of acceptance, is now available to you to make choices that honour your heart.

you are there to be kind to yourself.

and that feels nice -
it is not like having a cheerleading squad inside your head (that makes me a little queazy just thinking about pompoms and short skirts and "Go Jane,Go gimmea j gimmea a..." while i am making dinner)
but it is when you can say to yourself

"oh crap, that was a bit sucky, ah well we'll try again next time"
or even better
"Yeh, that was pretty good" - us New Zealanders tend to go for understated and that works for me... your sense of worthiness might love the pompoms, ...


When you stop measuring yourself outside yourself -
ie: your internal markers of enough suddenly take a deep sigh, stop listening to that inner critic and listen to the warm feeling in your heart which is always present when you are doing what you love.

That internal critic suddenly has to relenquish control of the volume knob... sure they are still there clamouring for attention but they no longer get to be boss of the joint.
that quiet is so marvellous i can hardly tell you ....


When you no longer require so much approval from those around you, the ones you had to dance and hustle the hardest for drop off your radar. This can be painful - but momentarily - think band aid being ripped off...

The ones who see you - really see you, seem to:

a: be glad for you and your new found ease

b. think it's worth trying themselves

c. walk their road with more joy

d. are good to be around

(this is officially called the selfperpetuatingcycleofbloodymarvellousduetoinnerworthiness)


Relenquishing the Hustle for worthiness means that you declutter your inner life...
if you are good enough right here right now all of the things you had to do in order to achieve worthy disappear..
which leads to declutter which leads to space which leads to a portal for all kinds of marvellous to come flooding in.

all of which sounds pretty sodding wonderful actually

i would recommend it from my personal experience

(this post was not sponsored by any one individual although that may seem hard to beleive seeing i am pimping Brene Brown right now but my sense of worthiness says it's ok, so i believe me!)

if you want a handpainted ENOUGH t shirt please email me at

tell me whether you would like
organic ($20 NZ)

or a regular cotton tshirt ($10 NZ)

please go here to convert it if you need to
(i will need to add postage depending on where you live)

and your boob size

and i will email you a pay pal thingy

i will order tshirts next week people so you can join me in the notsosecretENOUGHtshirt club


love me and my inner sense of worthiness

Monday, March 22, 2010

the enough t-shirt

(this is me in my prototype enough shirt - it is fitting and the shirts i have chosen won't be - it is just one i had lying around being all white and pristine and minding it's own business and now it is ENOUGH! and yes that is a disco ball dangling over my head - i love kc and the sunshine band ok?)


this shows that i am a woman who follows through

i meant it people, when i said i would make a tshirt

i have sourced shirts that are guaranteed non sweatshop...

there will be a choice of organic

or not

and each shirt will be hand painted with "enough" written on it

in the colours of your choice

all you will have to do is tell me what size (bust measurement please and i promise not to divulge this information to anyone else - or publish it on the internet or whatever) and tell me where i need to send it so i can work out postage AND what your favourite colour combinations are

and then we will be in the not so secret ENOUGH tshirt club

(organic is $20 NZ and the nonorganic is $10 NZ)

i have just checked the currency converter and currently the cost (this is not a sentence sponsored by c by the way) would equal $14.10 for organic and $7.05 non organic...

they would also include a lot of love and lashings of the secret magic that comes from where i live

how have you lived without them??

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

the man i love

(man, two girls, poodle,and a book in a bunk)

is the kind of man who...

tells his 9 year old he is proud of her for no special reason

bikes 90 kms for fun

makes me a good cup of tea every morning

has been an international sportsman

runs a business

comes overseas mostly because i want to go there

loves being at home

loves movies about war

loves his mother and looks forward to talking to her on the phone

likes my legs

likes a bargain

likes planting things

has a beehive

likes to choose clothes for his 7 year old daughter - and does it with panache

talks lovingly to the poodle

changed nappies without flinching

supports me to create - even if he doesn't particularly like what i am making he likes that i am happy

delights in a job that he can wear shorts and tshirts to work for

can draw and sing but rarely does them

doesn't like the pegs on the clothesline to be alone so he moves them together so they are not lonely

is honest and loyal and strong and

loves me

Thursday, March 11, 2010


(this is me two days ago - i tried this and still i think i am unworthy... holy crap what will it take???)

i love Brene Brown

(the magnificent midwife to the words on her blog ordinary courage and author of books that i am saving up to buy's a link to her latest post...

i love her in that way that means i carry a little bit of her in my head and ponder over her words often during my day, but if i ever got to meet her i would look at my shoes (she lives in a cold place so i would be wearing shoes) and blush and say UMMM alot...

i have to say that before i go any further and get told off for bias...

and any of you who have read this blog to any degree know i have a thing or two to say about deserving, about self worth, about being enough....

and this week Brene, to celebrate the release of her new DVD "the hustle for worthiness" she is challenging encouraging us to write about worthiness

about being enough

and i was thinking that enough always has a bad connotation in my life as in

"That's enough " (said in a grumpy exasperated mother/teacher voice - usually in relation to frivolity or noise or general non seriousness)

or "that'll be enough" (which is immediately telling me that i haven't given ample... just that mediocre measure of the minimum)

being enough is never an overflowing, abundant, juicy word...

it is mingy and tight and dry in your mouth...

it is always something to over-reach

something to aim past

as if perfectionism and the drive to give ourselves all ulcers with constantly trying to be more than we are is something to be proud of...

well fuck it

enough is enough

(hee hee had to throw that in there)

i am going to reclaim the word ENOUGH

i am going to follow that honourable tradition of reclaiming sullied words - (think GAY think BLACK)

I am going to wear enough proudly

i might even make a tshirt

right now, if i am enough- then i am worthy... no waiting til i get some magical approval from outside me for my efforts at being more... right now i am enough...

do you hear the doors opening??

do you hear the sphincters unclenching???

do you hear the big sigh from deep within my chest???

i do

(and if you want a tshirt i am seriously thinking about it!)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

if you loved me

(see what i mean???)

if you loved me you would.....

stage an intervention that meant you would form a cordon near all art supplies shops

and not let me in


at least take my wallet gently away

then check my jeans for my cards or cash that i may have secreted around my person

(there will be no need for body searches i can't be taking cash out of cavities at the counter now can i? i do have some standards...)

and let me go in and fondle, gaze at colour charts, sniff the smells....

and then come home filled up

now come on people

step up!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

our deepest fears

(fears are like little stones weighing us down - even though they feel warm in the sun we have to keep still to keep them in place... but it is simple to stand up and let them fall)

"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Rainier Maria Rilke.

my deepest fears are pretty mundane... i read about them over and over again...

i remember the first time i discovered that my deepest fear was that i wasn't good enough...

i had never expressed it out loud before and then, in a writing exercise (a night class i took over 20 years ago, which i never took any further because other people in the class were clever and were doing things like submitting scripts for TV shows, and manuscripts to publishers... and of course..."i wasn't good enough")

i have used that as a big stick in so many things

Over the last 10 years i have used it to describe my mothering... (i was going to start a rant about what the fuck did i think i was doing perpetuating that toxic pattern for my girls ... but then i realised it was the same nasty critic waving the not good enough neon light so i will shut up!)

i have used that as a basis for a career (and please excuse me any nurses but i grew up in a household where doctors were slightly better than God) - i chose nursing - and then i gave that up because i wasn't good enough anymore...

i am not a good enough friend, lover, mother, finance manager, artist, daughter, healer, gardener, animal manager, environmentalist, humanbeing, philanthropist.....i could have filled up my entire blog page with that list...

but fuck it

all that does is bring out that big stick and start waving it about ...

it doesn't nourish me

(it nourishes that bloated old poop of a critic in there and i don't want my soul to be the larder of a meany anymore)

it builds fences

it dissolves dreams

it tears apart the fragile fabric of who i am so that if i indulge those thoughts, i am left in tatters, that any wind can disperse...

and then i just spend shitloads of time gathering up again

but what if Rainier Maria is right

what if those ugly words hide a truth


I am so frigging worthy i can open myself up to a glorious life

i can start living my dreams right away

i can bask in my glory instead of spending so much time trying to please and prove to everyone else that i deserve the crumbs i give myself

i can content myself with who i am right now

holy crap!

imagine that!!!