over the last couple of days (besides being a month early to celebrate JoyRebel day when i thought i was a month late - YAY....two celebrations - those tricky J months sound all the same to me...) i have revisited two old wounds
i don't know about you but i feel deeply, love deeply and live life quite open in lots of respects....
i think people find this attractive initially and then they get overwhelmed by the intensity of it or something coz then i loose them...
it is super sucky and i feel vulnerable putting this out there - maybe talking about how i often lose people in my life will attract more of it .... maybe those who i value who read this will start to question if they like me or not.... ooooo lots of scary stuff!!!
any hoo....i will delve into this because this pattern has been returning to my life for some time and i want it over with now ... so if you could help me shed some light i would be grateful...
Situation 1
This week i spoke to an old friend with whom i was once really close and felt like i had found a sister - who suddenly and without explanation stopped inviting me, answering my calls, etc etc.... i had no idea why and i never asked her why (part of me wanted to know, part of me just wanted to run away, part of me wanted to respect how uncomfortable it would have made her and not put her in that situation - cos i loved her)....
losing her was hard.
I was lonely.
i felt like i had exposed my self to her and it wasn't enough- or it was too much- or it was just unlikeable and i should just go for the facade and leave the real me locked in a vault somewhere dark....
situation 2
I answered a skype call from an old love - mostly unrequited - we were together for some time and i gave up a lot to be with him only for him to reject me... ahhhhrgh
the call was him not remembering when he last saw me... his wife not being clear who i am (and my husband knows all about him) - plus i looked like shit coz our time zones are opposite so i got to revisit him without having brushed my hair or got any decent clothes on....sigh...
all this was like picking scabs
like turning back and looking at myself at these crossroads of my life and seeing myself weeping on the side of the road and only being able to gently stroke my head and murmur about how it gets easier...
It bought up not being wanted
it bought up wanting to be wanted
it bought up the pain of not being chosen
it bought up the pain of not being good enough
it bought up the anguish of not knowing why
and the fear of knowing why
it bought up being forgotten
and i sat with that for a while - just writing this has made me slightly sweaty with it all - and now i just want to release it for transformation...
i want to acknowledge that the wound of these times is still visible on my heart...
but that the pain belongs to memory
and not to today
i release them from however i was holding on, knowing that good will flow...and i am grateful for insight
and you
