Saturday, April 25, 2009

i have become

i have become....

the kind of woman i admire

oh there are still things i want to achieve

some tweaking here and there

(ok quite a bit!!!)

but i was cleaning up whilst making dinner...

and i cleaned up:

(ok brief interlude here to say i really, really never wanted to be a tidier upper so just ignore that part...)

a homebirth magazine with a picture of a vessel on it which i was inspired to co-create which has now become part of a national homebirth group ritual!! I followed my inspiration and it lead to an artwork and a lasting affirming ritual that is so wonderful for all of us who complete it.

a SARK book (love me some Susan!)

a box of Ascended Master cards (yay for Doreen V)

homework about Malaysia for a trip we are doing later this year (orangutan, jungle, elephants, beaches oh i am about to weee myself with excitement!!!)

and the brochure for the silversmithing course i am doing later next month...

on the cusp of my 44th birthday i see

i am this bodacious, angel loving, silversmithing, travelling, ritual making woman

and i am now sitting here (having abandoned all tidying) to celebrate this wonderful insight
and to celebrate

Friday, April 24, 2009

for the fallen

i am sitting in the lull of the house after dinner

and girls scootering around tied together with a skipping rope

and husband chatting to his mother

and poodle barking at and chasing the cat

and rain on the roof

and the soft hum of this amazing equipment

and i want to thank the amazing humans who went to war,

those who fell

those who returned

those who lost love

those who kept going

i never want to have to know what they did

see what they did

feel what they did

but i know i have this quiet house, in this beautiful country in no small part because of them - their youthful, ignorant, passionate, horrible sacrifice

and as clumsily as i am expressing it

i have gratitude and plan to go to the dawn parade tomorrow to honour them

Sunday, April 19, 2009

being present

i went to my friend's house today to celebrate her son's birthday - he would have been 10 but he died of a brain tumour.

it was a sad and happy day...

people were gathered around

there was birthday cake

his siblings were there

i sang a song for his brother - who chose puff the magic dragon (which has to be one of the saddest songs in the English language...)

but i was glad i was present

to share my love for my friend and talk about this remarkable boy...

but i was also glad i was present because i had the most wonderful conversation with a Maori woman i admire hugely.. a woman who is a local midwife and healer and elder stateswoman and sage and seer and empath and powerful talisman and bridge between the past and the future

she has recently travelled to Egypt and Greece

following a strong calling

and she noted that the Greeks were very emotive and if they were sad they were sad - bloody sad, and if they were happy they were bloody happy

and she was noticing that is how Maori used to be...

none of this prevaricating and being shy to sing when singing was called for ....

and we both saw how alive this being true to your emotions makes you

how you live through whatever it is that you are feeling

and then the next things comes along

and you live through that....

and how that makes you truely present

truely alive

so at this celebration of the beginning of the life of a boy who is no longer alive (well his spirit is very definitely present) the ancients have taught the lesson of being present in the now....

and if that is not a gift - A PRESENT

then i don't know what is!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

my current obsession

i have been posting with my friends on the Superstupendous SARK forum about people pleasing...

i sound like the ultimate self help book writer's dream...

a new intrapersonal journey to go on and i am there...

maybe that is what needs to satisfy my homebound traveller's heart...

and i am journeying into the realm of my behaviour around being NICE

obsequieous (or however the hell you spell it)

jellylike in the presence of others

considering others more important than myself

not honouring myself

and then feeling bitter

i am exploring this walk.. looking at the markers along the way... seeing the well worn rut it makes in my soul....

and then i am seeing another way.

Where i don't have to be nice for things to work out.

Where kindness and agreeing are not the same things.

where clean is synonomous with honest and honest is honouring ourselves

and in my head i know that the divine is in me - that i am an expression of the divine and everytime i dive into the place where i try for nice rather than true i am sullying the shine in myself...

i want to step away from the saccharine

and i am choosing true....

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

when skin is too thin

i had my consternation at the way my soul reacted to the world... the extremes of joy, pleasure, sadness and horror... explained to me by a very kind woman as "having one layer of skin too few".

That resonated with me so deeply.

It helped explain why things were just that much more easily impressed on my soul than on those around me.

It helped me see how i needed to show a little more care for my self.

It helped me see how i couldn't expect those feelings replicated in others.....

It has supported self acceptance.

And now i have two little girls who have a layer of skin too few.

One who is basically sanguine. Who loves to laugh, who sees the good in things.

And one who is MElancholic (the two capitals were on purpose - just to announce how strongly this word features in her being).

And to watch them go out into the world with that tenderness is squeezing my heart today. I am seeing them feel the world so big and so intruding in a way...

I can't fight their battles, nor can i protect them with magic in the way i wish i could...

I talk, sometimes too much,

i love, sometimes too strong,

I care, sometimes about the wrong thing...

i KNOW this condition brings gifts... I know i have alot to offer the world because of my skinthinness...

and so will they...

it is just what scars will they bear before they can walk tall with it....

their beauty is too luminescent for scars

(*please God/Goddess/All that is, make the scars a thing of beauty too*)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

word of the week

i love the dictionary

if i was stranded on a desert island that would be the book i would take with me...

it has it all

drama (under d)

love (under l)

history (not just under h but in the etemology of each and every word)

so i shall make a word for the week - open the dictionary randomly and see what happens

today is RETROSE
it means turned back or down.

i have turned back from my need to plunge into bad feelings when they waft about

i have taken retrose action in terms of the blackness...

if i had a collar on i would retrose it...

oooo the joy of a new word!!!

about the big c

what the fu$k is it about cancer?

it is lurking around in the community picking up some random people

chewing them up

introducing them to chemo and radio and nausea and pain and needles and surgery and fear and death

and spitting them and their families and loved ones and friends and acquaintances out.

why does it lurk in such a beautiful place

how can it dwell in bodies so made for perfection

how can the environment be in such a mess that these diseases are growing in prevalence and we don't all freak out and say



Two little boys i know are in treatment... both from incredibly healthy families... one of them had surgery for a brain tumor yesterday... the other is in hospital recieving chemo even though his white cell count only just registers

one brave woman i know is missing her daughter's first day at school after developing an infection after a mastectomy

i just want to say.... avert your eyes if you don't like swearing


That is all

Monday, April 6, 2009


do i constantly worry about what other people think?

the first thing i do is not check in with myself

but with everyone else...

everyone in my family... circle of friends... random people in the shop... where ever i am i am always seeking approval of those outside myself

what the hell is that doing???

i am just obsequious.

trying for affection outside myself...

worrying myself about every little sodding action and inaction

chewing over and over the negative responses and percieved negative responses (my rational brain knows i have no idea what is truely residing in the head and heart of another)...i digest them over and over (my negativeruminatebrain)

whilst the good things are quickly swallowed incase they get taken away...
no savouring...
conniseur of good feelings? not me...

but i can tell you the intimate geography of every bitter sigh of my mothers that goes off like a bomb beside me when i am in her company and still doing wrong...

does it always come back to her????

dear God when will i grow up?grow out of this?

Friday, April 3, 2009

JOY in the simple things

I am a confirmed joy warrior (and if i was a clever computer chick i would even have Brandi's blogsite listed here but alas...)

and so i find myself thinking about joy randomly....

where do i find joy?

what is joy for me?

how do i share it?

so i thought i would write about things that have given me joy today...

writing on the SARK forum in the "why i am remarkable thread" that i am remarkable because Willow loves me... bought me joy - because she was sitting next to me and reading what i typed and i felt the pride resonate through her... i felt her recognise that she had the power to influence lives... that her love was important and treasured by me... those little words made huge joy

going on my joy warrior photo safari gave me joy - i made a spiral in the dew

and that gave me immense joy - i giggled when i had to retrace my steps... but i felt a bit like a walking meditation at the same time...

seeing the poodle smile on our walk gave me joy

seeing the cat do a crazy flop in Willow's arms gave me joy

talking to Leonie on skype gave me joy (i am a deflowered skype virgin!)

getting a cup of tea from my lovely hubby...

the list goes on and on

all simple

all free

all heart singingly mind sparklingly beautiful!!!