Friday, December 31, 2010

committment


it takes committment for me to grow

it takes focussed effort

i can't just flit from one thing to another

as filled with tempting baubles as the internet is

i committ to my creativity

i committ to practising every day

i committ to the juiciest deepest part of myself that has stamped her foot and said enough

i will feed her with the joy that comes from making things that come from my heart - not imitations of the work i admire in others

but my work
my soul
my connection to God, Goddess, All That Is

right there in front of me on the page, canvas, peice of silver

and if in that process other's are moved or touched i am blessed

but selfishly

and gloriously this is a committment to me

Thursday, December 30, 2010

a catch up post reverb10


Author: Brené Brown
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
@brenebrown
Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
i think the time i came into my work space and found a note from my daughter telling me she loved me....

my heart cracked wide open...

Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice
The Year the Swallows Came Early
@KFitzmaurice

Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.


i guess having the guts to go to the market with my silver work defined my year- the courage to stand behind my work, to say i made this - to put myself out there - to back myself.... that was the defining moment....

my BIG Fearless Tribal painting - that took courage too but i took that step in a warm supportive community....

to step out into my own town and say look at what i do - that was huge...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

reverb10 what do i most want to achieve in 2011.


Author: Tara Sophia Mohr
The Women's Seder Sourcebook: Rituals & Readings for Use at the Passover Seder
@tarasophia

Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.


i most want to travel and see my friends in the US.

I imagine i will feel opened up and happy all at once.

In order to feel that now i can:
1. create everyday
2. do things that require creative courage.
3. treat myself to things that feel indulgent but right.
4. "i deserve great things" can be my new affirmation.
5. i can see each thing i sell as an affirmation that that dream is achievable
6. i can meditate.
7. i can go to spiritual sites here and connect with being in Sedona.
8. i can do the labyrinth here and think about High Valley.
9. i can own being an artist.
10. i can affirm my right to be a woman who can have adventures away from my family.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

reverb10 food


here is me with my cake and candles and my Queen Jane card, in my kitchen April 2010

Author: Elise Marie Collins
An A-Z Guide to Healing Foods: A Shopper's Reference
@mysticflavor

Prompt: Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?


the food that touched my soul this year was the delicious tea party my friends had for me - cakes and yum galore - but what was special was that the food was made with love - they thought about what i might like, they cooked especially for me, we drank tea out of my Grandma's Royal Doulton teaset...

and i can still taste that with my cells

reverb10 photo of me...



it says "Perfect is BORING. It is our blemishes that make us beauty-full" taken by my daughter Willow.

Author: Tracey Clark
Expressive Photography: The Shutter Sisters' Guide to Shooting from the Heart
@shuttersisters


Prompt: Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.


reverb10


i chose this photo because i look how i mostly look - i look a bit scruffy, my beautiful and much loved hair is pulled up out of the way... i am in my messy work room - i am participating in an online movement - Brene Brown's imperfection movement, i am showing off my creative work...i am giving art journaling a go, i am reaching out to kindred souls across the universe and i am making a statement that makes me feel more of who i am...

that characterises this whole year - moving into my own space, creative work, sharing, reaching out, scruffy....

Monday, December 27, 2010

new name and trusting i will be ok REVERB10


Becca Wilcott
Truly, Madly, Deadly: The Unofficial True Blood Companion
@beccawilcott

Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?
reverb10.com


I would introduce myself as Moana because it means ocean in Maori. I am deeply connected to the sea and to Aotearoa.

I am from Celtic bloodlines and feel pain about being connected to this land by emotion alone… my whenua (placenta) is not buried somewhere here, nourishing the earth I love so much. My turangawaewae (place to stand) is not acknowledged anywhere and yet my feet feel greeted by parts of this earth so I know that we are family. My Tipuna (ancestors) come from a cold and gentle country miles and miles away, connected by the ocean. Some were born here but I will never be Tangata Whenua (people of the land)

And often I wish I was.

I have claimed Maori heritage when strangers have been racist in the past – mostly to shut them up. But my heart wishes I did have a right to claim that status.

But I don’t.

So maybe I could be Maeve instead. Celtic warrior Goddess heroine of my heart – whose traditions mirror those in Maoritanga that I feel so drawn to and whose hand I hold when I need courage.

Or maybe I could be Moana Maeve.

Yep that works





Author: Kate Inglis
The Dead Crew
@sweetsalty

Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

When I thought Colin might die and I took matters into my own hands, when I showed courage, called in favours unashamedly and he didn’t die.

When I wasn’t sure if my work was good enough but I did the market anyway and I sold stuff.

When I put myself out there and it didn’t work and still it was ok

And then something better came along….

All of these things have lead me to trust that all is well. That kind of deep feeling that can wobble a bit from time to time but is rooted in the deepest part of me and is like part of who i am.

Every day I know I am in the care of a benevolent universe that has good things in store for me… that has love and wonder for me…

I know all is well.

Truely

Friday, December 24, 2010

reverb 10 travel


Tara Hunt
The Whuffie Factor: Using the Power of Social Networks to Build Your Business
@missrogue

Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?


well i didn't travel as much as i would like around this planet...

unless of course you count the internet

which actually i do. because of the truth of the connections i find and how people from the other side of the planet have swelled my heart in a truely life changing way.

i have travelled internally - towards my richer truer self.

that has been my travel this year - into my creativity, into my courage.

and next year HOLY MOLY

I want to be in Sedona for the BIG girls' get together... i want to be in South Africa, and see table mountain and Daryl's face again. I want to walk into Dani's shop and see her face. I want to go to High Valley and sing with Elizabeth.

that is where i want to travel in 2011.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

reverb 10 from my older wiser self


Author: Jenny Blake
Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want
@jenny_blake
Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)


Well honey

You are embarking on 2011 and i have already been there - i won't tell you what happens because i know you love surprises..

there will be some

but all i want you to know is that you have the tools, the equipment, the mettle to meet them... surprises and all

enjoy your skin - you think you are wrinkly now - ha!
enjoy your girls - they are now in high school and all the attendant joys will make you look on those days - swimming in their undies in the river, coming for cuddles in the bed early every morning seem like an idyll...
enjoy the small things that swell your heart with gratitude - they are your friends and will always be with you

you are loved and guided safely my dear

love Jane
ps stick with the clevedge pledge ok?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

reverb10 avoidance


Author: Jake Nickell
The Threadless Book
@skaw
Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)


i think all i should have done but didn't was stand up for myself.

I seemingly let shit slide that in retrospect i could have dealt with in a more self respecting manner.

i get scared about what the person i need to talk to would think, how they might get hurt, and most sadly whether i even have the right to say when something offends me.


i will speak up for myself instead of letting that need to honour myself and my feelings leak out in less than gracious ways.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

reverb 10 trying stuff AND healing


Author: Kaileen Elise
kaileenelise.com
@kaileenelise

Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?


next year i want to try to do more markets with my silver, maybe sell them in some shops

next year i want to do Mystele's work... it speaks to me so richly and it feels like it is waiting for me

next year i want to dive into deep - completely committed and wholy present to it

i don't think there was really anything i wanted to try in 2010 that i didn't - of course i would've loved to have travelled - pretty much anywhere but particularly to South Africa

so if the chance came up in 2011 that would be grand

but the things i wanted to try and did were BIG and THE TRIBE and they have been life changingly amazing - i have grown, i have experimented, i have felt safe and i have been amazed - DAMN FINE OUTCOME ALL ROUND REALLY!!!

i also wanted to do a market with my silver work and that felt TRIUMPHANT!

Author: Leoni Allan
2011 Creating Your Goddess Year
@GoddessLeoni

Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?


AND YOU KNOW WHAT??

The things i tried, that were the whispers of my heart - they healed me

i moved closer to my truest self, my heart's yearnings and that made me feel more myself and less inadequate trying to fit into some other person's mould of how life should be..

of course i can never be anything other than who i am

and i feel like i took a big step closer to me this year

and that is the ultimate healing

(i can hear my heavenly helpers cheering as i say this - and wiping their brows a bit - Yes guys, i have finally got it!)

and at the core of this healing is love

if i love myself and my dreams i am happier and more full of love, which i can share and spread around with glee because there is always more being generated if i am filling my life with love by following my hearts desires

it is the elixer of life

Monday, December 20, 2010

reverb 10: what have you learned this year


this is me and Willow making my dream of selling my silver work come true on Saturday - it took a lot of courage but it was bloody marvellous!


Tara Weaver
The Butcher and the Vegetarian
@tea_austen

Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

what i learned was that courage is the key

the key ingredient in the recipie to manifest my dreams ,
as far as i have learned in 2010,
is courage

i need to stand up for myself and do whatever it takes to take the step towards my dreams

opportunities are swirling around for everyone to grab

but believing you deserve them

or having the courage to stick out your hands
grab them tightly and pull them into your heart
and grow

that is another story

you may need a sword
to cut the ties of negativity.

you may need a sheild
to deflect the fear.

you may need a cloak
to help you slip past the gate keepers.

you may need a trusty steed
to take you past obstacles.

Whatever form courage takes
(and often for me it is having a cry and being shakey and then just getting on and doing it imperfectly)

2010 has been the year that i have been given the great gift of knowledge that all that is required is courage.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

reverb10 friend prompt


Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

my last post mentioned this but i want to celebrate Anna - even though she never comes here i want to celebrate the difference she has made in my life

i have always loved words (not that you'd know the way i mangle grammar and punctuation here - it would damage her to read the way i write)

i love how they each have a story, how they are carriers of their own energy

but i learned pretty early on that wheelbarrow words made me seem like a snob, like i was trying to be too clever

i swear i wasn't - there are just sometimes where big words are the ones to use and nothing else will do

well i learned to make do

i also learned not to make puns or stupid jokes because i would be sniggering away very amused with myself and see the person i was conversing with look at me with the expression of "there is now a big sticky boogey hanging out of your nose" (and there wasn't, i have actually been out to the mirror to look)

Anna is the one who has healed all that.

She was an English scholar at Oxford. She loves words, the more wheelbarrow the better for her.

She loves stupid puns.

and when we are together we laugh

like our pelvic floors have nothing better to think of

i feel more whole because i don't have to hide two things that i find so damned nourishing and beautiful

she is a gift to me in many many ways

we are so friggin different and yet we love each other

Friday, December 17, 2010

reverb10: 5 minutes



this is from one of the nicest meals you had - homegrown artichokes with mayo and balsamic YUM!!!

By Patty Digh.

Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

2010 has been a year of congruence

like the word you chose with your SARK forum friends

you have become more of the woman on the outside that you are on the inside

you are learning so much about painting and courage with trying new things - remember the more you risk the more you gain - Brett's course was amazing

The Big/Tribe journey you took with Connie and all the other tribal sisters you met there has been awesome - you have learned to paint with your heart and when you do the universe comes to meet you in the most amazing ways

remember the cuddles from your girls, their struggles with growing up and their feirce believe in all their gut wrenching beauty that you just say that because you are their Mum - this means that even though they are feeling unsure of themselves they can be sure of you

remember the fun you have had with Anna and how the laughter made you grow

there were things that made you shrink inside but again the answer to them was courage - the courage to face your dreams, the courage to see yourself as worthy

your word for 2011 is courage

and you can remember you are loved

Thursday, December 16, 2010

reverb10 Appreciate


my splendid and much loved hill

Author: Victoria Klein
27 Things to Know About Yoga
@victoriaklein

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

this year i have continued to appreciate that i live in paradise... i express that by constant gratitude for the green out my window, the birds i can hear, and boring my internet friends silly by going on about it.

the thing i have come to appreciate most is that life requires courage.

That is, if i am to live the life of my dreams i need to risk failure.

i need to be free from the need to be right.

i need listen to my intuition and my heart.

i need to hear my deepest longings as a call from the divine and that all the divine asks from me is to take a big breath

and leap

and i will always land safely (there may be a few bruises and scrapes but i always heal too)

i give thanks for this by being more and more courageous

by being more and more willing to leap

and more and more adept at landing in the middle of wonderful.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

reverb10 aspirations and action


my things all bagged up and hoping to find new homes!

Author: Scott Belsky
Making Ideas Happen
@scottbelsky

Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?


reverb10.com

ok my next step happens on saturday

starting at 5 am

i am having my first ever stall at the artisan's market

i am selling silver and some little canvases

i will have a painting there

it feels huge

it feels like my heart is for sale

i want so much to be a creative person who is sustained in more ways than one by my creative life

this is really putting my big girl undies on!

reverb10 body prompt




Author: Patrick Reynolds
The Knowledge Workers Survival Guide
@patrickcantype

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

This is going to sound less yoga/yoda/mind body spirit as one than i would have liked ...

the vision of me as some toned physical and spiritual athlete who has completed some mountainous task is something i toy with from time to time

and then discard when i find how arduous it is to run to the bus if i am late to meet the girls

so the moment when i didn't have seperate mind and body me - when i was cohesive me, alive and present was when i was really sick with the flu

in the first couple of days i was so achey that walking was barely possible and i groaned involuntarily, i couldn't eat and i could barely drink

simon thought he would have to take me to hospital and Eila kept coming in, with a worried face and giving me little kisses on the head

i was really sick

i was totally aware of every part of my body - they all hurt so damned much, i was scared, i was glad i was alive...

my mind helped me - it said things like "Now you are one minute closer to being better" at regular intervals...

it said "nothing else matters now, just rest"

occaisionally it said "you have things to do" but then my body said "Ahem, HULLO?? WE ARE REALLY FU*KIN SICK HERE"

and then it shut up again..

but i was mind/body/spirit.

cohesive
alive
present

and wanting to be healthy with everything in me....

not sexy but true.

Monday, December 13, 2010

reverb10 prompt from the 10th


Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
Author: Sam Davidson




1. yelling. i will be happier i will teach my girls better things i will not feel corroded.

2. talking meanly to myself. see above

3. caffeine. see above

4. doing things that make me clench my buttocks. see above.

5. not listening to my intuition. see above.

6. leaving my camera at home. i love taking photos. i am proud to see them here.

7. thinking my creative dreams are out of reach and only possible for someone more talented/courageous/deserving/gutsy/clever than me Please refer back to 1-5 although add this means i will be living the life of my heart's calling.

8. waiting for others to make me feel good. because this is my job. no one elses.

9. not meditating see 7 above - plus i know all the answers are there.

10. not showing my clevage while i still have it i want to flaunt it.

11. not walking on the beach every week see 9 above.


the answers are all the same - to have a better life i need to let go of old hiding/witholding habits... the more i do the things that bring me joy the more life is celebrating with me

freakin awesome

reverb10 Suzannah Conway's prompt



my brave goddess self from BIG


Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (please note i have a big girly crush on Suzannah Conway - she is brave and alive and creative and hormonal and funny and kind)

The wisest decision i made in 2010 wasn't a single epiphany like "I am going to leave my husband/run a marathon/be a buddhist nun"... although all of those flit through my mind from time to time

my decision was more like a leak of wonderful soaking into my pores

pores that were thirsty (almost to death)

pores that a lot of other things had opened sorrow, self doubt, emptiness, exploration, courage...

and the moisturiser that has cured my souls wrinkles is creativity



It began by discovering how much i wanted to do an art course when i did abc's 100 creative goals list.

So i (after much prevaricating and difficulty in stepping out and saying i wanted to spend hard earned money on something as ephemeral as an art course) bravely chose to do an art course on-line.

i did a Suzi Blu course - the Goddess and the Poet - how could i not do a course named that right? i learned much and explored a lot but mostly found how absorbing and addictive a pencil and paper and mark making can be....

and then i took another - not so good this time... i wanted to explore art that was fermenting in my gut not reproducing a facsimile of other's art...

then God pointed me towards Connie Hozvicka and the needle on my soul's compass went "TWANG"

it shivered

and stopped pointing straight at her

she asked for a bold committment to ourselves and to following up this process and because i am a good girl and i do what i am told

i made that committment

and of all the things i have done this year this has contributed, more than one other single thing, to the sense of increasing wholeness i am experiencing

i am learning to embrace mistakes, be alive to possibility, be curious, be less attatched to outcome, to pleasing others

and i get to fiddle away in my workspace and feel alive as often as i make time for it

and that is the single most wonderful thing i have done for myself in years

reverb10 - question for the 9th



not many people in this photo right???


Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.the social gathering that rocked my socks of may make me sound sadder and more middle aged than i feel... as a young woman exchange student i could have had a good show at the small talk chat friendly olympics... i could engage anyone, loved social events.. as a 45 year old i now am only just returning from a place where i felt i had nothing to offer, was so ashamed of my self and my inadequacies that i couldn't find social gatherings anything but terrifying opportunities to make a dick of myself...


but it changes when i get together with my friend Anna

maybe a chat in the car park

maybe a sneaky lunch

maybe just talking under a tree while the children swam

but being with her makes me laugh

i feel shiny

and that makes me feel my socks go whoosh



when my friends and i who met through the homebirth group get together and one of us makes a plan to guide the group in some way my socks are rocked - we got together and did something i read about and was deeply moved by on Jen Gray's blog....we henna painted words of affirmation - words we wanted to be true about, words that captured our deepest longings and wore them on our skin... miracles happened because of that day - E, after writing about love over her heart, found love, a lump that M had, which she was ashamed of and which had been there since childhood disappeared within weeks of writing self love on it...

and the other social gatherings that have rocked my socks have been on the internet - the tribe and our hilarious biweekly chat sessions, the tribe work-room where we share and grow, the SARKFORUM where my sisters live, the friends i have made blogging... you have all seen something worthwhile in me - have helped me rebuild my social confidence...so maybe, just maybe, i might do something social in 2011

Friday, December 10, 2010

REVERB10 Karen Walrond's prompt



Eila took this photo because she loved the colours in my hair...

Author: Karen Walrond
The Beauty of Different
@chookooloonks


Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.


What makes me different?

i think if i had to sum it up i would say more.

i think more, cry more, worry more, dream more, hope more, change more, care more, am grey more

i shake more, feel more, wonder more, laugh more, aging more,

i am more colourful, more troublesome

more solitary,

more connected,

more passionate,

more irritating,

more visionary,

more frightened....


maybe we all feel like that but i often, when i look at the people i see everyday, the people who i chat to at school, the people i greet at the supermarket...

i just seem more - that is not arrogant or vain and in fact i have been criticsed all my life for being too much (which confusingly also makes me not enough)

but i love my colour and my grey hair, i love my easy rise to tears and laughter, i love my passionate fire which gets things done and makes me feel close to God Goddess all that is...

more is good

Thursday, December 9, 2010

reverb10


this from Calli Harris

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Community...something more precious to me than i can say...

i have a community outside of my cyberlife who has been with me for years, whom i met through the homebirth movement... women who parent in a similar way to me but whose hearts are open and spirits are thirsty for the same water as mine... we have drifted apart a little - they continue to walk the hills and valleys of raising small children... i am striving to rediscover myself...

i have community with my friend Anna which has developed over this year - she is erudite, kind, generous and i laugh with her until my pelvic floors are threatened or breached - it fills me up more than i can say.

i have been part of the sark forum for a few years and like any living thing it is constantly changing - i have met some sisters of my heart there (and you know who you are xxx)

i have dipped my toe in the twitter community - it informs me, makes me laugh and sucks all my time if i am not careful... i feel a bit like the girl in the no name jeans when everyone else is in levis but still i like the sense of fun and community i find there

i have drifted from blog to blog and feel a strong kinship to some of my favourite authors.. The incomparable Dani Sutcliffe (she is the drink of water my cells rehydrate with), Jen Gray, Jen Lee, Connie (this is not an exhaustive list - i am trying to get the girls to school sorry )... some of them know that i love them, some of them don't but they are precious to me ....

and of course my friends from BIG and the Tribe- i can't say how having that bunch of spunky, courageous, inquisitive, art-hearted women have plumped up my soul in a way that i see as miraculous... i have been priviledged to walk this far with them - AND with that workiing work of art, Connie at the helm it is an adventure i wouldn't miss for the world... ROLL ON DEEP

For a loner, for someone who likes solitude, someone who can't think of anything more happy making than a walk by myself on the beach, a life crowded with these people seems incongruous on paper

but bloody marvellous in real life

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

thoughts for the new year


i am beginning to consider2011

(thanks in large part to reverb10) what i would like to draw to me

what i would like to release

and i think i would like to release the need to be seen

it interferes with my honest expression of my self into the world

i consider what others will think constantly

i am unable to allow my expression to be satisfying unless it is lauded outside of me

i am unable to let my offering be complete and satisfactory just as they are, without acclaim or praise

i want to be able to speak my truth and have it be enough

all on its own.

the need to be seen is about not feeling worthy enough inside myself to provide validation for myself

is about not believing in my truth enough to have it rest in its own perfection without the approval of others

it is time for this to die now...

it is time to be free

reverb10 what is the last thing you made


Author: Gretchen Rubin
The Happiness Project
@gretchenrubin

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

the last thing i made was this scooby doo tshirt for my nephew Tom for Christmas - i used a cheap cotton tshirt, a picture off the internet, fabric paints, brushes, and my clever hands and eyes

i think he'll like it.

it makes me realise that i have become a woman who makes things all the time

and i like that

Monday, December 6, 2010

REVERB10 - What did you let go of this year


i let go of the strings that were tying me to the sorrow that being an artist belonged to someone else

to someone cleverer
to someone talented
to someone experienced
to someone braver
to someone gifted
to someone in the right community

to someone else

and fuck it
i am so glad i took hold of the joy that if i step forward with courage i can be an artist too

Sunday, December 5, 2010

rever10 - a sense of wonder


"What did i do to cultivate a sense of wonder"

i open my eyes and i look

i see green grass and know it's growing
i see trees and know that they are taking in my waste breath and making new breath for me
i see the ceaseless sea
i see the infinity of the sky
and the stars
i see my hands moving and things growing
i think about my liver and my lungs and my pancreas and my heart- the miracle of design that means i get to move about and sustain my life and grow new cells - all without thinking or worrying or learning or applying myself - it just is
i think about my girls growing, puberty entering my eldest's body, learnings that happen everyday
i think about the unconcious and dreams and synchronicity
i think about the internet and talking to you through time and space and having my heart changed by you through time and space

this life, this planet, all of it

it is wonder

Saturday, December 4, 2010

reverb10 - the time i felt most alive this year


the times i felt most alive were when i was creating something

painting

silverwork

gardening

words

taking them all in my hands and my heart and placing them,

sometimes with care, sometimes with hope, often with courage

out there for the world to see.

yes i admit the being seen helped me to feel alive too,

but the act of making something,

having that something appear from work that came through me,

well that never fails to make me feel plugged in

makes me feel alive

Friday, December 3, 2010

REVERB10 - DAY 1 and 2 :-)


i am sometimes a bit of a slow starter

like catching onto the idea that i am a creative being (at age 45)

but it is the starting that counts

and i see the cool kids are doing this project called REVERB10

and having words for the year has been a powerful force for change in my life

- 2 years ago my word was adventure - that year i went to Borneo

this year my word has been congruence - and i am much more on the outside what i feel on the inside...

so the prompt for day 1 of reverb10 is

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 in one word is shift - i have shifted more into the life i desire, i have shifted into my powerful truth

i see (pottymouth that i am) that that word contains shit and f - i think i have told a lot of shit to f off in my life and that seems appropriate too!

one year from today - 2011 Decemeber - i am sitting at my computer, the girls should be getting ready for school, am i am looking outside at green ... and i see this years word is gratitude

i know that living in deep gratitude for the treasure of life, family, abundance, this beautiful planet allows me to experience more of the magic of synchronicity, the calling of my deeper purpose, love and wonder to flow in

who wouldn't want more of that.....

day 2's prompt is
December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

i don't write everyday because i don't make space for journaling... i could make space but then it becomes one more thing on the list of things to do -

i like the way this blog is there for me when i want to express something i have been chewing over in my heart...

so i think that is fine...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

becoming



i am becoming the woman i want to know

the woman who values truth

the woman who drinks in beauty everywhere - puddles, piles of sticks, sadness, the sky

the woman who gives and receives

the woman who isn't afraid to reveal

the woman who feels God at her shoulder - not admonishing, not vengeful, but the God who is love

the woman who sees creativity as an expression of that love and practises it everyday - sometimes just in the way she puts on her clothes or bluffs that her messy unbrushed hair is supposed to look like that...

the woman who is has friends who are true and rich of spirit (and if you are here reading this, know you are counted in this)

the woman who is learning what shit is hers and what shit is others

the woman who delights in a good swearword

the woman who feels silly as something she has earned

the woman who claims her right to stand on this beautiful, confounding, magnificent, miracle-filled planet and breathe deeply

and walk on

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Pike River


To all those who lost loved ones,

live in the community where the men lived,

to the team mates who will miss that man at the next game,

and the next,

to the parents who watched their beloved child grow into a strong capable man

and who are weeping now not being able to have protected them, their baby, from this

to the unborn children who will not know their father,

to the children who knew their fathers and realise what they have lost,

to the partners who will roll over to hold their man and weep.

To the mine owners who tried, and failed,
and have to live with that.

To the rescue workers, knowing with each hour that passed their role was less
and less likely to be victorious.

To the drillers who had to temper desperation with sense.

To the empaths who see that pain and feel it echo in their bodies.

To my coal mining Grandad who was watching all this with sadness i am sure.

Today i make my girls' beds, and lunches and vacuum the floor in full gratitude for all the blessings i experience without knowing, but glimpse,
through the tradgedy of these men,
that these little things,
the sweeping of a floppy fringe off a forehead
the extra kiss at night
the smile in my heart as i see my girls walk in to school

these are the things that i would miss.

Kia kaha
Arohanui

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sunday, November 21, 2010

destruction



I think Kali is working by my side right now....

Gently blowing her breath of change into my life

This painting (not yet finished) has been the evidence of a huge shift.

She was the second portrait that i started from my course with Connie Hozvicka of DirtyFootprints Studio. I was working with all the tips for making things look realistic... the colours the placement of the eyes....

and then i looked at her neck and saw that it looked like a tree... and then something compelled me to make the roots, the leaves...

the sensible voice in my head was saying "this is going to ruin it" "That is just making it ugly"

but something else - i like to think courage - kept my hand moving - making flesh coloured leaves, fleshy coloured tendril roots...

I kept thinking about the concept of Homoempathicus... and how this painting seems to speak of my sense of our connection to nature - of plants as living sentient creatures, of our need for interconnectedness to the planets beings of all kinds....

i felt alive

i felt excited

and then yesterday i went to see "Eat, Pray, Love". I was touched by many parts of it - but the part that dropped into my belly like a stone was when Elizabeth Gilbert was sitting in the catacombs under Rome and realised how the life of this ancient structure was guaranteed by the ruin it had undergone. That ruin had lead to it being reinvented as other things

Ruin is the way to transformation.

RUIN IS THE WAY TO TRANSFORMATION.

this seems unutterably HUGE to me right now

Kali your breath is hot in my ear.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

FRIGGIN HORMONES


Once a month I find the path to the light increasingly difficult to see.

It may appear from the outside that I am more irritable, more difficult, too much and not enough all at once.

And sometimes that is how it feels on the inside too.

But I also see, with my wisest self, that what I am in those times of turmoil is also closer to the deepest truth.

That being ON and being around others is tiring for me.

That hanging a do not disturb sign and going within is a healthy response for me.

That being a bear that has to hibernate once a month (as opposed to just over winter) allows me to be the fierce protector, tree shaker, creator, I am in the rest of my days.

So ROAR and see you tomorrow when my time in the cave is no longer so necessary…

As an aside I am sure that my consumption of a whole bag of potatoe chips is warranted if I am hibernating for the day right… a bear has gotta have something to come and go on!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

ok i am showing some of my things




what you don't see are the broken saw blades and the swearing and the sweat and the mistakes

but i have been making silver things

and painting furiously....

Monday, November 15, 2010

i have been in light and in dark

 


i have been absent from here because i have been beavering away in my work space... do you wanna see?
Posted by Picasa

Monday, November 1, 2010

the one thing



the one thing that is true about me

about my life

about my presence on this planet

the only thing that is true


is that i breathe in

and i breathe out


all the imaginings, worryings, ponderings, scrabblings, woundings, disagreeings, fallings, flyings....

all of them come from a place that i manufacture.

they are thoughts.

and thoughts are not real.

all that is real is,

breathing in

and

breathing out.

some days it helps me to remember this.

Friday, October 29, 2010

my art whakapapa



Whakapapa is geneology in Maori

Many Maori can stand in front of people and recite their geneology back to the waka (canoe) their Tipuna (ancestors) came to this country on.

I can barely get to my great grandparents. I was blessed to know my paternal great grandmother and to learn about the people and their characters from the stories my grandparents told. But that reciting of names....

It never seemed like something i was missing until i read the Maeve chronicles - Maeve, as a training druid needs to do the same chronicle of ancestory - with pride of course having been fathered, ostensibly by a God and mothered by 7 witches (and of course Esus, when he fronts up, can recite many, many, many generations)...

Ancestors are important.

We carry their cellular memory. We were all cells present (as ovum inside our foetal mother) in our Grandmother's bodies. We have swum in the soup of our ancestors.

We express their quirks unknowingly. We are living our lives. But we are partly living theirs too.

And knowing the interior of these people, understanding those quirks, recognising the cellular memory aids me in the knowing of my-self.

As i struggle to develop as an artist i begin to think about this ancestory in relation to art.

Artists who have walked the path of connecting with creative spirit, unleashing their heart onto the canvas and into the world. Negotiating their own doubts and fears. Walking the lifelong path of learning.

I think about how they have cleared a path through the scrubby undergrowth of these very human responses to a path less travelled ... and this is a path i aim to walk...

the path where i am taking my tentative steps.

So understanding these art ancestors helps me to walk the path through the bush knowingly - helps me avoid the potholes, helps me see the signposts....

This week my assignment on Fearless painting was to go to a local art museum...

i saw the painters above, who gathered in a little cottage and FEARLESSLY painted in a style that was not popular with the community, that connected them with change and vibrancy and vigor. A style that started in the hearts of visionary people and that broke the mold of so many artistic styles.

Looking at their little works (that were so rooted in Silverstream where they were painting) i felt a connection to the spirit of change.

And the paint box of one of the artists was there - it seemed to call to me
"THIS IS YOUR LEGACY TOO IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT"

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

fearless painting in Oakura

Well hullo lovelies...
i know i haven't been around since my panic about the reunion - and i am here to assure you that that brush with the epilator hasn't scarred me for life ...

i have been away and trying to paint FEARLESSLY... i am part of the fearless tribe with Connie Hozvicka ... our assignment was to produce a video of painting outside....

It was a challenge for me - painting where i could be seen meant i had to claim myself as a painter... it was like i was saying i am good enough to show the world... but i figured out it could mean something else... and although i wished that people had said "i love it i want to buy it" i think it added some pleasure to their day to see someone painting...

and i videoed like peter jackson baby (no stinky striking actors to deal with - kiwi injoke there)

and then my video and my computer decided to stop speaking to each other so i cobbled this together from my stills...

it is my first time so be gentle with me xxx

ps sorry mollie i will post photos on the forum ok??
video

Sunday, October 17, 2010

the school reunion


see this face

it looks smiley enough right?

nice coloured scarf...

look again.

see the grey hair?

see the wrinkles - especially those ugly and mean looking ones between the eyes - blame all those sun kissed summers on the beach if you want but there they are....

and i look in the mirror (i only look some days because i don't like what i see but i have to check and see if that bloody chin hair is back) and i am shocked at the ugly sallow old thing i have become

that is my truth

i also think i have interesting hair and clothes and not a bad body but that face... i just don't likey

and next weekend i have a high school reunion

so what?

well at school i was pretty

and now i am not

i was also full of promise - i wrote well, i was friendly, i was destined for something or other (think exotic, think interesting)

and here i am: wrinkly, 45, living in my hometown, still fighting with my mother, a stay at home mother...

on paper i am pretty boring
in the flesh i am pretty wrinkly.

and all this is being provoked by the thought of rocking up to school, to the reunion to remeet people i used to be all shiny around and having to own up to this life i have made....

i left my travel dreams for a man.
i became a job that was pretty boring because i believed the careers advisor woman (and i bloody shouldn't have)

Oh yes, i know, my lovely friends, before you jump to my defend my honour... i am making up for lost time- my creative life is rich and fulfilling and developing in exciting and yummy ways.

i have successfully made a family and marriage which isn't perfect but who the hell is.

i am being kinder and more compassionate to myself than anyone in my family has ever been.

All of which are major victories.

But they aren't much to brag about at the school reunion are they?

i would love to invent something earth changing in the next 3 days but i don't hold out much hope for that...

maybe i will just say that i invented post-its.... (and yes that is a Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion joke)

Friday, October 15, 2010

it is unimaginable....


that at the same time as i wrote that post,
that i was so wowed by the wonderful world i live in,
the joy in the richness of life,
seeing the smallest things shining and reverberating in beauty...

it is unimaginable that on the other side of the world there would be a life coming to a close that seems too early

I live in the trust that persuing my bliss
sends waves of bliss around the world
where they lodge in the nooks and crannies of sad and lonely hearts

I hope that in her passing, FeirceJenn is now with love
that that spark of bliss that so filled my heart yesterday
is where she lives.

RIP Feircepeoples, Feircifer, Jenn.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

today...




i went to...

feed the cat before sunrise (he was begging me, pleading...)
Tutukaka
the inside of my friend's heart
the back end of a lamb (cleaning up for calf club day)
the changing rooms in several shops
the thought that i had an aging body
to the counter with a new bikini that looks like a pair of jeans
(in my mind)looking glamorous at a dinner event i am accompanying my husband to this summer
guilt
and back
the freezer at the 4 square to buy a chocolate dipped icecream
the school to see my daughter's steady hand game
plush offices to drop off a poster
painful poses in pilates
to join my tribe around the world and back again
to the gate to get my lovely off the bus

i have talked about breast buds, anger, farting goats, models who shouldn't, skin cancer, lambs bums, goaty whiff, pelvic floor muscles,miners and courage, painful mothering, my fears of being judged, architects pretensions, and many more things

i have seen tears, smiles,good dreads, frustration, shame, disappointment, determination and pride and deep deep kindness (see the messages at the end of the last post to know what i mean)

this life is so full so rich in beauty and deep deep in the marvellous mystery of the magnificence of being...

today i am grateful

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

One of those days



when the sky is grey

when there is too much housework

when the list you have requires vim and vigour and all you have is very very blah

when feelings always lead back to swallowed tears

when the sound of the phone ringing makes your stomach drop

when the call of the bath is very very loud

and when you want your Mummy - not the one you have but that one that is all nurturing and soft and loving and can hold you until you are ready to laugh again

Sunday, October 10, 2010

fu*king it up


eeep


when i am invested in a painting - like i am of the one with Maeve -


when i want to honour the subject


do justice to the feeling and the passion behind the work


then i get all tight.


i hear the shoulds and i listen to 'em.


and then i fu*k it up

i feel like running around in circles,screaming with my hands waving above my head

....


this is where i have to be truely fearless


and just step back up to the canvas...


when i paint what i am not invested in i always have a fall back position


"Oh, that is just for practise" "Oh, that is just an exercise" "Nah, i don't like that much"


it has no umbilical cord straight to my heart


but that is the kind of painting i am called to do


the kind with the umbilical cord straight to my heart


Not because i am a martyr (ok i am a recovering martyr)


but because in order for this work to mean something for me it has to be an expression of me.... it has to hold my soul in some form and reveal it to those who care to look...


and then their soul can be revealed too... and that revelation can be transmitted to another soul... and on it goes


this is the only way to heal the the world


and this is what i was born to do

Saturday, October 9, 2010

PERFECTION - IT SUCKS



As you will know if you have read this blog for a bit, i think Brene Brown is a pretty juicy thing.

Her long-term committment to uncovering the gifts in shame, worthiness and perfectionism has made me feel less "other" and comforted in a deep and kind way.

At the moment Brene is celebrating the release of her book "The Gifts of Imperfection".

And part of that celebration is to encourage folk to protest the cult (the silent, viscious soul draining cult) of perfectionism.

Perfectionism feeds so slurpingly on the juice and passion of life that perfectionism grows with each step we try to take towards our life's calling ...

that is a sure way to die aching.

But by seeing perfectionism and naming it for the futile parasite that it is we can save the juice to feed the seed of all we were meant to be...

so as i wipe the rabid flecks of froth off my chin from that little rant i want to offer you a chance to read and join in...

Bloggers all over the world are posting pictures of their protest banners... here is the page Brene introduces this sparkly idea on...

Mine is from my journal - a page i made ages ago and now have the perfect (oops - see how incidious it is???) use for....

the page is lumpy, uneven, blemished

but to me it is good

and good is good enough

and so i encourage you to join the protest and save your juice for what counts...

for your soul.

xxx

Friday, October 8, 2010

Things that make my heart sing, my soul shine, that fill me with JOY and GRACE




So the prompt for this came from the fabulous CHOOKOOLOONKS on her post on own your beauty: Authenticity

the things that fill me with joy are...
my children
their laughter
the sunshine
the amazing place i live
the ocean
laughing til my stomach hurts
feeling naughty
watching something grow
watching something creative emerge from my hands
seeing a universal truth expressed in a creative work
good clothing
texture
animals
purring cats
shells
good food
COLOUR
taking a photograph that holds the essence of what made me reach for the power to capture it
words written in a state of grace
juice
fruit
friends
generosity
courage
honesty
shadow
my husband when he is proud of me
dolphins
using something i have made
having my hair brushed
whales
sark forum
making a connection with someone's truth and their heart
warmth
a comfy bed
people who genuinely love me

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

how did i get so damned blessed?

i truely live in a beautiful place

and everyday i count the blessings of the green around me and the coast and the feeling of being amoung the luckiest inhabitants of this planet - not only because of my health and my family and my abundance but because of where we live...

Te Tai Tokerau in Aotearoa New Zealand is a remarkable collection of beauty, soul and spirit.

The trees talk.

The rivers sing.

The ocean chants again and again.

And they are the sounds that resonate with my heartbeat.

Here is where i went yesterday... Matapouri Beach and Whale bay .. a walk through the coastal bush, over cliffs... past the scene of my first kiss, in sight of the place where my mother disowned me, in the presence of the place where i first felt seen.

This is my home.