Author: Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are @brenebrown Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?i think the time i came into my work space and found a note from my daughter telling me she loved me....
my heart cracked wide open...
Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice The Year the Swallows Came Early @KFitzmaurice
Prompt: Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
i guess having the guts to go to the market with my silver work defined my year- the courage to stand behind my work, to say i made this - to put myself out there - to back myself.... that was the defining moment....
my BIG Fearless Tribal painting - that took courage too but i took that step in a warm supportive community....
to step out into my own town and say look at what i do - that was huge...
Author: Tara Sophia Mohr The Women's Seder Sourcebook: Rituals & Readings for Use at the Passover Seder @tarasophia
Prompt: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
i most want to travel and see my friends in the US.
I imagine i will feel opened up and happy all at once.
In order to feel that now i can: 1. create everyday 2. do things that require creative courage. 3. treat myself to things that feel indulgent but right. 4. "i deserve great things" can be my new affirmation. 5. i can see each thing i sell as an affirmation that that dream is achievable 6. i can meditate. 7. i can go to spiritual sites here and connect with being in Sedona. 8. i can do the labyrinth here and think about High Valley. 9. i can own being an artist. 10. i can affirm my right to be a woman who can have adventures away from my family.
here is me with my cake and candles and my Queen Jane card, in my kitchen April 2010
Author: Elise Marie Collins An A-Z Guide to Healing Foods: A Shopper's Reference @mysticflavor
Prompt: Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
the food that touched my soul this year was the delicious tea party my friends had for me - cakes and yum galore - but what was special was that the food was made with love - they thought about what i might like, they cooked especially for me, we drank tea out of my Grandma's Royal Doulton teaset...
it says "Perfect is BORING. It is our blemishes that make us beauty-full" taken by my daughter Willow.
Author: Tracey Clark Expressive Photography: The Shutter Sisters' Guide to Shooting from the Heart @shuttersisters
Prompt: Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.
i chose this photo because i look how i mostly look - i look a bit scruffy, my beautiful and much loved hair is pulled up out of the way... i am in my messy work room - i am participating in an online movement - Brene Brown's imperfection movement, i am showing off my creative work...i am giving art journaling a go, i am reaching out to kindred souls across the universe and i am making a statement that makes me feel more of who i am...
that characterises this whole year - moving into my own space, creative work, sharing, reaching out, scruffy....
Prompt: New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? reverb10.com
I would introduce myself as Moana because it means ocean in Maori. I am deeply connected to the sea and to Aotearoa.
I am from Celtic bloodlines and feel pain about being connected to this land by emotion alone… my whenua (placenta) is not buried somewhere here, nourishing the earth I love so much. My turangawaewae (place to stand) is not acknowledged anywhere and yet my feet feel greeted by parts of this earth so I know that we are family. My Tipuna (ancestors) come from a cold and gentle country miles and miles away, connected by the ocean. Some were born here but I will never be Tangata Whenua (people of the land)
And often I wish I was.
I have claimed Maori heritage when strangers have been racist in the past – mostly to shut them up. But my heart wishes I did have a right to claim that status.
But I don’t.
So maybe I could be Maeve instead. Celtic warrior Goddess heroine of my heart – whose traditions mirror those in Maoritanga that I feel so drawn to and whose hand I hold when I need courage.
Or maybe I could be Moana Maeve.
Yep that works
Author: Kate Inglis The Dead Crew @sweetsalty
Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
When I thought Colin might die and I took matters into my own hands, when I showed courage, called in favours unashamedly and he didn’t die.
When I wasn’t sure if my work was good enough but I did the market anyway and I sold stuff.
When I put myself out there and it didn’t work and still it was ok
And then something better came along….
All of these things have lead me to trust that all is well. That kind of deep feeling that can wobble a bit from time to time but is rooted in the deepest part of me and is like part of who i am.
Every day I know I am in the care of a benevolent universe that has good things in store for me… that has love and wonder for me…
Tara Hunt The Whuffie Factor: Using the Power of Social Networks to Build Your Business @missrogue
Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?
well i didn't travel as much as i would like around this planet...
unless of course you count the internet
which actually i do. because of the truth of the connections i find and how people from the other side of the planet have swelled my heart in a truely life changing way.
i have travelled internally - towards my richer truer self.
that has been my travel this year - into my creativity, into my courage.
and next year HOLY MOLY
I want to be in Sedona for the BIG girls' get together... i want to be in South Africa, and see table mountain and Daryl's face again. I want to walk into Dani's shop and see her face. I want to go to High Valley and sing with Elizabeth.
Author: Jenny Blake Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want @jenny_blake Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)
You are embarking on 2011 and i have already been there - i won't tell you what happens because i know you love surprises..
there will be some
but all i want you to know is that you have the tools, the equipment, the mettle to meet them... surprises and all
enjoy your skin - you think you are wrinkly now - ha! enjoy your girls - they are now in high school and all the attendant joys will make you look on those days - swimming in their undies in the river, coming for cuddles in the bed early every morning seem like an idyll... enjoy the small things that swell your heart with gratitude - they are your friends and will always be with you
Author: Jake Nickell The Threadless Book @skaw Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)
i think all i should have done but didn't was stand up for myself.
I seemingly let shit slide that in retrospect i could have dealt with in a more self respecting manner.
i get scared about what the person i need to talk to would think, how they might get hurt, and most sadly whether i even have the right to say when something offends me.
i will speak up for myself instead of letting that need to honour myself and my feelings leak out in less than gracious ways.
Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?
next year i want to try to do more markets with my silver, maybe sell them in some shops
next year i want to do Mystele's work... it speaks to me so richly and it feels like it is waiting for me
next year i want to dive into deep - completely committed and wholy present to it
i don't think there was really anything i wanted to try in 2010 that i didn't - of course i would've loved to have travelled - pretty much anywhere but particularly to South Africa
so if the chance came up in 2011 that would be grand
but the things i wanted to try and did were BIG and THE TRIBE and they have been life changingly amazing - i have grown, i have experimented, i have felt safe and i have been amazed - DAMN FINE OUTCOME ALL ROUND REALLY!!!
i also wanted to do a market with my silver work and that felt TRIUMPHANT!
Author: Leoni Allan 2011 Creating Your Goddess Year @GoddessLeoni
Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT??
The things i tried, that were the whispers of my heart - they healed me
i moved closer to my truest self, my heart's yearnings and that made me feel more myself and less inadequate trying to fit into some other person's mould of how life should be..
of course i can never be anything other than who i am
and i feel like i took a big step closer to me this year
and that is the ultimate healing
(i can hear my heavenly helpers cheering as i say this - and wiping their brows a bit - Yes guys, i have finally got it!)
and at the core of this healing is love
if i love myself and my dreams i am happier and more full of love, which i can share and spread around with glee because there is always more being generated if i am filling my life with love by following my hearts desires
Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
my last post mentioned this but i want to celebrate Anna - even though she never comes here i want to celebrate the difference she has made in my life
i have always loved words (not that you'd know the way i mangle grammar and punctuation here - it would damage her to read the way i write)
i love how they each have a story, how they are carriers of their own energy
but i learned pretty early on that wheelbarrow words made me seem like a snob, like i was trying to be too clever
i swear i wasn't - there are just sometimes where big words are the ones to use and nothing else will do
well i learned to make do
i also learned not to make puns or stupid jokes because i would be sniggering away very amused with myself and see the person i was conversing with look at me with the expression of "there is now a big sticky boogey hanging out of your nose" (and there wasn't, i have actually been out to the mirror to look)
Anna is the one who has healed all that.
She was an English scholar at Oxford. She loves words, the more wheelbarrow the better for her.
She loves stupid puns.
and when we are together we laugh
like our pelvic floors have nothing better to think of
i feel more whole because i don't have to hide two things that i find so damned nourishing and beautiful
she is a gift to me in many many ways
we are so friggin different and yet we love each other
this is from one of the nicest meals you had - homegrown artichokes with mayo and balsamic YUM!!!
By Patty Digh.
Prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
2010 has been a year of congruence
like the word you chose with your SARK forum friends
you have become more of the woman on the outside that you are on the inside
you are learning so much about painting and courage with trying new things - remember the more you risk the more you gain - Brett's course was amazing
The Big/Tribe journey you took with Connie and all the other tribal sisters you met there has been awesome - you have learned to paint with your heart and when you do the universe comes to meet you in the most amazing ways
remember the cuddles from your girls, their struggles with growing up and their feirce believe in all their gut wrenching beauty that you just say that because you are their Mum - this means that even though they are feeling unsure of themselves they can be sure of you
remember the fun you have had with Anna and how the laughter made you grow
there were things that made you shrink inside but again the answer to them was courage - the courage to face your dreams, the courage to see yourself as worthy
Author: Victoria Klein 27 Things to Know About Yoga @victoriaklein
Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
this year i have continued to appreciate that i live in paradise... i express that by constant gratitude for the green out my window, the birds i can hear, and boring my internet friends silly by going on about it.
the thing i have come to appreciate most is that life requires courage.
That is, if i am to live the life of my dreams i need to risk failure.
i need to be free from the need to be right.
i need listen to my intuition and my heart.
i need to hear my deepest longings as a call from the divine and that all the divine asks from me is to take a big breath
and i will always land safely (there may be a few bruises and scrapes but i always heal too)
i give thanks for this by being more and more courageous
by being more and more willing to leap
and more and more adept at landing in the middle of wonderful.
Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? Author: Sam Davidson
1. yelling. i will be happier i will teach my girls better things i will not feel corroded.
2. talking meanly to myself. see above
3. caffeine. see above
4. doing things that make me clench my buttocks. see above.
5. not listening to my intuition. see above.
6. leaving my camera at home. i love taking photos. i am proud to see them here.
7. thinking my creative dreams are out of reach and only possible for someone more talented/courageous/deserving/gutsy/clever than me Please refer back to 1-5 although add this means i will be living the life of my heart's calling.
8. waiting for others to make me feel good. because this is my job. no one elses.
9. not meditating see 7 above - plus i know all the answers are there.
10. not showing my clevage while i still have it i want to flaunt it.
11. not walking on the beach every week see 9 above.
the answers are all the same - to have a better life i need to let go of old hiding/witholding habits... the more i do the things that bring me joy the more life is celebrating with me
Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (please note i have a big girly crush on Suzannah Conway - she is brave and alive and creative and hormonal and funny and kind)
The wisest decision i made in 2010 wasn't a single epiphany like "I am going to leave my husband/run a marathon/be a buddhist nun"... although all of those flit through my mind from time to time
my decision was more like a leak of wonderful soaking into my pores
pores that were thirsty (almost to death)
pores that a lot of other things had opened sorrow, self doubt, emptiness, exploration, courage...
and the moisturiser that has cured my souls wrinkles is creativity
It began by discovering how much i wanted to do an art course when i did abc's 100 creative goals list.
So i (after much prevaricating and difficulty in stepping out and saying i wanted to spend hard earned money on something as ephemeral as an art course) bravely chose to do an art course on-line.
i did a Suzi Blu course - the Goddess and the Poet - how could i not do a course named that right? i learned much and explored a lot but mostly found how absorbing and addictive a pencil and paper and mark making can be....
and then i took another - not so good this time... i wanted to explore art that was fermenting in my gut not reproducing a facsimile of other's art...
then God pointed me towards Connie Hozvicka and the needle on my soul's compass went "TWANG"
and stopped pointing straight at her
she asked for a bold committment to ourselves and to following up this process and because i am a good girl and i do what i am told
i made that committment
and of all the things i have done this year this has contributed, more than one other single thing, to the sense of increasing wholeness i am experiencing
i am learning to embrace mistakes, be alive to possibility, be curious, be less attatched to outcome, to pleasing others
and i get to fiddle away in my workspace and feel alive as often as i make time for it
and that is the single most wonderful thing i have done for myself in years
Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.the social gathering that rocked my socks of may make me sound sadder and more middle aged than i feel... as a young woman exchange student i could have had a good show at the small talk chat friendly olympics... i could engage anyone, loved social events.. as a 45 year old i now am only just returning from a place where i felt i had nothing to offer, was so ashamed of my self and my inadequacies that i couldn't find social gatherings anything but terrifying opportunities to make a dick of myself...
but it changes when i get together with my friend Anna
maybe a chat in the car park
maybe a sneaky lunch
maybe just talking under a tree while the children swam
but being with her makes me laugh
i feel shiny
and that makes me feel my socks go whoosh
when my friends and i who met through the homebirth group get together and one of us makes a plan to guide the group in some way my socks are rocked - we got together and did something i read about and was deeply moved by on Jen Gray's blog....we henna painted words of affirmation - words we wanted to be true about, words that captured our deepest longings and wore them on our skin... miracles happened because of that day - E, after writing about love over her heart, found love, a lump that M had, which she was ashamed of and which had been there since childhood disappeared within weeks of writing self love on it...
and the other social gatherings that have rocked my socks have been on the internet - the tribe and our hilarious biweekly chat sessions, the tribe work-room where we share and grow, the SARKFORUM where my sisters live, the friends i have made blogging... you have all seen something worthwhile in me - have helped me rebuild my social confidence...so maybe, just maybe, i might do something social in 2011
Eila took this photo because she loved the colours in my hair...
Author: Karen Walrond The Beauty of Different @chookooloonks
Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
What makes me different?
i think if i had to sum it up i would say more.
i think more, cry more, worry more, dream more, hope more, change more, care more, am grey more
Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
Community...something more precious to me than i can say...
i have a community outside of my cyberlife who has been with me for years, whom i met through the homebirth movement... women who parent in a similar way to me but whose hearts are open and spirits are thirsty for the same water as mine... we have drifted apart a little - they continue to walk the hills and valleys of raising small children... i am striving to rediscover myself...
i have community with my friend Anna which has developed over this year - she is erudite, kind, generous and i laugh with her until my pelvic floors are threatened or breached - it fills me up more than i can say.
i have been part of the sark forum for a few years and like any living thing it is constantly changing - i have met some sisters of my heart there (and you know who you are xxx)
i have dipped my toe in the twitter community - it informs me, makes me laugh and sucks all my time if i am not careful... i feel a bit like the girl in the no name jeans when everyone else is in levis but still i like the sense of fun and community i find there
i have drifted from blog to blog and feel a strong kinship to some of my favourite authors.. The incomparable Dani Sutcliffe (she is the drink of water my cells rehydrate with), Jen Gray, Jen Lee, Connie (this is not an exhaustive list - i am trying to get the girls to school sorry )... some of them know that i love them, some of them don't but they are precious to me ....
and of course my friends from BIG and the Tribe- i can't say how having that bunch of spunky, courageous, inquisitive, art-hearted women have plumped up my soul in a way that i see as miraculous... i have been priviledged to walk this far with them - AND with that workiing work of art, Connie at the helm it is an adventure i wouldn't miss for the world... ROLL ON DEEP
For a loner, for someone who likes solitude, someone who can't think of anything more happy making than a walk by myself on the beach, a life crowded with these people seems incongruous on paper
i see green grass and know it's growing i see trees and know that they are taking in my waste breath and making new breath for me i see the ceaseless sea i see the infinity of the sky and the stars i see my hands moving and things growing i think about my liver and my lungs and my pancreas and my heart- the miracle of design that means i get to move about and sustain my life and grow new cells - all without thinking or worrying or learning or applying myself - it just is i think about my girls growing, puberty entering my eldest's body, learnings that happen everyday i think about the unconcious and dreams and synchronicity i think about the internet and talking to you through time and space and having my heart changed by you through time and space
like catching onto the idea that i am a creative being (at age 45)
but it is the starting that counts
and i see the cool kids are doing this project called REVERB10
and having words for the year has been a powerful force for change in my life
- 2 years ago my word was adventure - that year i went to Borneo
this year my word has been congruence - and i am much more on the outside what i feel on the inside...
so the prompt for day 1 of reverb10 is
December 1 One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
2010 in one word is shift - i have shifted more into the life i desire, i have shifted into my powerful truth
i see (pottymouth that i am) that that word contains shit and f - i think i have told a lot of shit to f off in my life and that seems appropriate too!
one year from today - 2011 Decemeber - i am sitting at my computer, the girls should be getting ready for school, am i am looking outside at green ... and i see this years word is gratitude
i know that living in deep gratitude for the treasure of life, family, abundance, this beautiful planet allows me to experience more of the magic of synchronicity, the calling of my deeper purpose, love and wonder to flow in
who wouldn't want more of that.....
day 2's prompt is December 2 Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
i don't write everyday because i don't make space for journaling... i could make space but then it becomes one more thing on the list of things to do -
i like the way this blog is there for me when i want to express something i have been chewing over in my heart...
the woman who drinks in beauty everywhere - puddles, piles of sticks, sadness, the sky
the woman who gives and receives
the woman who isn't afraid to reveal
the woman who feels God at her shoulder - not admonishing, not vengeful, but the God who is love
the woman who sees creativity as an expression of that love and practises it everyday - sometimes just in the way she puts on her clothes or bluffs that her messy unbrushed hair is supposed to look like that...
the woman who is has friends who are true and rich of spirit (and if you are here reading this, know you are counted in this)
the woman who is learning what shit is hers and what shit is others
the woman who delights in a good swearword
the woman who feels silly as something she has earned
the woman who claims her right to stand on this beautiful, confounding, magnificent, miracle-filled planet and breathe deeply
to the team mates who will miss that man at the next game,
and the next,
to the parents who watched their beloved child grow into a strong capable man
and who are weeping now not being able to have protected them, their baby, from this
to the unborn children who will not know their father,
to the children who knew their fathers and realise what they have lost,
to the partners who will roll over to hold their man and weep.
To the mine owners who tried, and failed, and have to live with that.
To the rescue workers, knowing with each hour that passed their role was less and less likely to be victorious.
To the drillers who had to temper desperation with sense.
To the empaths who see that pain and feel it echo in their bodies.
To my coal mining Grandad who was watching all this with sadness i am sure.
Today i make my girls' beds, and lunches and vacuum the floor in full gratitude for all the blessings i experience without knowing, but glimpse, through the tradgedy of these men, that these little things, the sweeping of a floppy fringe off a forehead the extra kiss at night the smile in my heart as i see my girls walk in to school
This painting (not yet finished) has been the evidence of a huge shift.
She was the second portrait that i started from my course with Connie Hozvicka of DirtyFootprints Studio. I was working with all the tips for making things look realistic... the colours the placement of the eyes....
and then i looked at her neck and saw that it looked like a tree... and then something compelled me to make the roots, the leaves...
the sensible voice in my head was saying "this is going to ruin it" "That is just making it ugly"
but something else - i like to think courage - kept my hand moving - making flesh coloured leaves, fleshy coloured tendril roots...
I kept thinking about the concept of Homoempathicus... and how this painting seems to speak of my sense of our connection to nature - of plants as living sentient creatures, of our need for interconnectedness to the planets beings of all kinds....
i felt alive
i felt excited
and then yesterday i went to see "Eat, Pray, Love". I was touched by many parts of it - but the part that dropped into my belly like a stone was when Elizabeth Gilbert was sitting in the catacombs under Rome and realised how the life of this ancient structure was guaranteed by the ruin it had undergone. That ruin had lead to it being reinvented as other things
Many Maori can stand in front of people and recite their geneology back to the waka (canoe) their Tipuna (ancestors) came to this country on.
I can barely get to my great grandparents. I was blessed to know my paternal great grandmother and to learn about the people and their characters from the stories my grandparents told. But that reciting of names....
It never seemed like something i was missing until i read the Maeve chronicles - Maeve, as a training druid needs to do the same chronicle of ancestory - with pride of course having been fathered, ostensibly by a God and mothered by 7 witches (and of course Esus, when he fronts up, can recite many, many, many generations)...
Ancestors are important.
We carry their cellular memory. We were all cells present (as ovum inside our foetal mother) in our Grandmother's bodies. We have swum in the soup of our ancestors.
We express their quirks unknowingly. We are living our lives. But we are partly living theirs too.
And knowing the interior of these people, understanding those quirks, recognising the cellular memory aids me in the knowing of my-self.
As i struggle to develop as an artist i begin to think about this ancestory in relation to art.
Artists who have walked the path of connecting with creative spirit, unleashing their heart onto the canvas and into the world. Negotiating their own doubts and fears. Walking the lifelong path of learning.
I think about how they have cleared a path through the scrubby undergrowth of these very human responses to a path less travelled ... and this is a path i aim to walk...
the path where i am taking my tentative steps.
So understanding these art ancestors helps me to walk the path through the bush knowingly - helps me avoid the potholes, helps me see the signposts....
i saw the painters above, who gathered in a little cottage and FEARLESSLY painted in a style that was not popular with the community, that connected them with change and vibrancy and vigor. A style that started in the hearts of visionary people and that broke the mold of so many artistic styles.
Looking at their little works (that were so rooted in Silverstream where they were painting) i felt a connection to the spirit of change.
And the paint box of one of the artists was there - it seemed to call to me "THIS IS YOUR LEGACY TOO IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT"
Well hullo lovelies... i know i haven't been around since my panic about the reunion - and i am here to assure you that that brush with the epilator hasn't scarred me for life ...
i have been away and trying to paint FEARLESSLY... i am part of the fearless tribe with Connie Hozvicka ... our assignment was to produce a video of painting outside....
It was a challenge for me - painting where i could be seen meant i had to claim myself as a painter... it was like i was saying i am good enough to show the world... but i figured out it could mean something else... and although i wished that people had said "i love it i want to buy it" i think it added some pleasure to their day to see someone painting...
and i videoed like peter jackson baby (no stinky striking actors to deal with - kiwi injoke there)
and then my video and my computer decided to stop speaking to each other so i cobbled this together from my stills...
it is my first time so be gentle with me xxx
ps sorry mollie i will post photos on the forum ok??
see the wrinkles - especially those ugly and mean looking ones between the eyes - blame all those sun kissed summers on the beach if you want but there they are....
and i look in the mirror (i only look some days because i don't like what i see but i have to check and see if that bloody chin hair is back) and i am shocked at the ugly sallow old thing i have become
that is my truth
i also think i have interesting hair and clothes and not a bad body but that face... i just don't likey
and next weekend i have a high school reunion
well at school i was pretty
and now i am not
i was also full of promise - i wrote well, i was friendly, i was destined for something or other (think exotic, think interesting)
and here i am: wrinkly, 45, living in my hometown, still fighting with my mother, a stay at home mother...
on paper i am pretty boring in the flesh i am pretty wrinkly.
and all this is being provoked by the thought of rocking up to school, to the reunion to remeet people i used to be all shiny around and having to own up to this life i have made....
i left my travel dreams for a man. i became a job that was pretty boring because i believed the careers advisor woman (and i bloody shouldn't have)
Oh yes, i know, my lovely friends, before you jump to my defend my honour... i am making up for lost time- my creative life is rich and fulfilling and developing in exciting and yummy ways.
i have successfully made a family and marriage which isn't perfect but who the hell is.
i am being kinder and more compassionate to myself than anyone in my family has ever been.
All of which are major victories.
But they aren't much to brag about at the school reunion are they?
i would love to invent something earth changing in the next 3 days but i don't hold out much hope for that...
maybe i will just say that i invented post-its.... (and yes that is a Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion joke)
feed the cat before sunrise (he was begging me, pleading...) Tutukaka the inside of my friend's heart the back end of a lamb (cleaning up for calf club day) the changing rooms in several shops the thought that i had an aging body to the counter with a new bikini that looks like a pair of jeans (in my mind)looking glamorous at a dinner event i am accompanying my husband to this summer guilt and back the freezer at the 4 square to buy a chocolate dipped icecream the school to see my daughter's steady hand game plush offices to drop off a poster painful poses in pilates to join my tribe around the world and back again to the gate to get my lovely off the bus
i have talked about breast buds, anger, farting goats, models who shouldn't, skin cancer, lambs bums, goaty whiff, pelvic floor muscles,miners and courage, painful mothering, my fears of being judged, architects pretensions, and many more things
i have seen tears, smiles,good dreads, frustration, shame, disappointment, determination and pride and deep deep kindness (see the messages at the end of the last post to know what i mean)
this life is so full so rich in beauty and deep deep in the marvellous mystery of the magnificence of being...
the things that fill me with joy are... my children their laughter the sunshine the amazing place i live the ocean laughing til my stomach hurts feeling naughty watching something grow watching something creative emerge from my hands seeing a universal truth expressed in a creative work good clothing texture animals purring cats shells good food COLOUR taking a photograph that holds the essence of what made me reach for the power to capture it words written in a state of grace juice fruit friends generosity courage honesty shadow my husband when he is proud of me dolphins using something i have made having my hair brushed whales sark forum making a connection with someone's truth and their heart warmth a comfy bed people who genuinely love me
and everyday i count the blessings of the green around me and the coast and the feeling of being amoung the luckiest inhabitants of this planet - not only because of my health and my family and my abundance but because of where we live...
Te Tai Tokerau in Aotearoa New Zealand is a remarkable collection of beauty, soul and spirit.
The trees talk.
The rivers sing.
The ocean chants again and again.
And they are the sounds that resonate with my heartbeat.
Here is where i went yesterday... Matapouri Beach and Whale bay .. a walk through the coastal bush, over cliffs... past the scene of my first kiss, in sight of the place where my mother disowned me, in the presence of the place where i first felt seen.
The colour of the sky *the ocean * Elizabeth and Maeve * people who reach beyond the ordinary * genuine generosity *good food * watching things grow * the miracle of birth *a woman's power *tenderness in all its forms * the cycle of life * courage * people with a sense of fun * compassion * beautiful jewellery * art that is made from the heart - without a view to the purchaser or the market but made because it has to come *Clarissa Pincola Estes * grace
LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS THESE ARE MORETHINGSTHATITHINK
i welcome you with warmth and love to the thoughts that grab me .... and the way they come out of my fingers when i make the time in my day as a mother and artist and poodle walker to write them down.....