over the last couple of days (besides being a month early to celebrate JoyRebel day when i thought i was a month late - YAY....two celebrations - those tricky J months sound all the same to me...) i have revisited two old wounds
i don't know about you but i feel deeply, love deeply and live life quite open in lots of respects....
i think people find this attractive initially and then they get overwhelmed by the intensity of it or something coz then i loose them...
it is super sucky and i feel vulnerable putting this out there - maybe talking about how i often lose people in my life will attract more of it .... maybe those who i value who read this will start to question if they like me or not.... ooooo lots of scary stuff!!!
any hoo....i will delve into this because this pattern has been returning to my life for some time and i want it over with now ... so if you could help me shed some light i would be grateful...
Situation 1
This week i spoke to an old friend with whom i was once really close and felt like i had found a sister - who suddenly and without explanation stopped inviting me, answering my calls, etc etc.... i had no idea why and i never asked her why (part of me wanted to know, part of me just wanted to run away, part of me wanted to respect how uncomfortable it would have made her and not put her in that situation - cos i loved her)....
losing her was hard.
I was lonely.
i felt like i had exposed my self to her and it wasn't enough- or it was too much- or it was just unlikeable and i should just go for the facade and leave the real me locked in a vault somewhere dark....
situation 2
I answered a skype call from an old love - mostly unrequited - we were together for some time and i gave up a lot to be with him only for him to reject me... ahhhhrgh
the call was him not remembering when he last saw me... his wife not being clear who i am (and my husband knows all about him) - plus i looked like shit coz our time zones are opposite so i got to revisit him without having brushed my hair or got any decent clothes on....sigh...
all this was like picking scabs
like turning back and looking at myself at these crossroads of my life and seeing myself weeping on the side of the road and only being able to gently stroke my head and murmur about how it gets easier...
It bought up not being wanted
it bought up wanting to be wanted
it bought up the pain of not being chosen
it bought up the pain of not being good enough
it bought up the anguish of not knowing why
and the fear of knowing why
it bought up being forgotten
and i sat with that for a while - just writing this has made me slightly sweaty with it all - and now i just want to release it for transformation...
i want to acknowledge that the wound of these times is still visible on my heart...
but that the pain belongs to memory
and not to today
i release them from however i was holding on, knowing that good will flow...and i am grateful for insight
and you
wow. i know that pain too, i think we all do. it seems like it's a part of being human. everyone won't always get chosen, sometimes we will be left and sometimes we will be lonely and wanting. and we just do our best with these feelings when they come up for us.
ReplyDeletein terms of asking for others to shed light on this... sweetie i think you are beautiful and amazing and you lost people because they couldn't be there anymore and not because you are anything less than amazing.
if it was me i think i'd talk to the friend (from example #1) about the ending of the friendship. i did lose a close close friend and i did talk to her about it a lot though i was not able to hold onto the friendship. but i think it helps to know that i did talk to her about it. i did all i could to keep the friendship.
sending gentleness and a soothing cup of tea.
Beautiful Jane...
ReplyDeleteMy eyes welled up reading this, as I am question something along the same lines as this. I think, from my own reflections, and coming from a similar place (i.e. not being wanted) it like you feel betrayed by yourself. You put yourself out there, you share who you are and open up, and even though you do, you still get hurt, and you think its you, and then its all about pushinging you, or thinking you need to change who you are. And then you get brave, and do it all again, and the cycle continues.
As I'm slowly learning, people can't be everything you want them to be, and you can't be everything someone else wants either, no matter how much you try, or want to be. As pessemistic as this sounds, people are arseholes, everyone has a battle, and sometimes people come in and out of our lives briefly, causing damage, to teach us something, about them, about ourselves, and sometimes just to help up rebuild something we didn't realise had fallen down.
Does any of that make sense? LOL I'm a bit all over the shop today. But I love you muchly.
one thing I noticed in my pattern was I always put the blame on me. That I was defective, too much, not enough, whatever.
ReplyDeleteI listened to this talk by my ministers and I'm revisiting and it really helped heal things for me. It's a reading of the 'little soul and the sun' by neal donald walsh and it talks about all us little souls in the great ethers and how one wants to come to earth to express divinity as forgiveness. And god says, well, there's no one to forigive. We're all perfect as we are-unique in our expressions but all part of the whole. Then another soul says, oh I'll go with you and do something bad so you can be forgiveness!!!
the reading of it is powerful and just in one listen, I felt healed from a destructive previous relationship that I have carried with me for about 7 years. The idea that we are here to express certain things and remember certain aspects about ourself. The idea that we all come from divinity. The idea that we are all interconnected somehow. I see the pain and lessons in a whole new light. Not sure if it will be helpful at all but the link is below-just click on the first link titled 'little soul and the sun' if you'd like to listen in.
http://www.unitydallas.org/Pages/MultiMedia2005.html
You know how I've been feeling about this lately. It's hard to trust again after the disappearing act, at least for me. I'll say "I'll never make another friend after that!" but you know what...my heart apparently isn't listening to those words because I always do end up seeking a new friend. Sometimes I'm disappointed and sometimes, I feel I may be the one disappointing. Lately, I've been really evaluating how I've been with friends. Have I always been there, been in touch, or do I drift, too? Yes, I have drifted...and that bothers me.
ReplyDeleteHugs for you, dear friend, and know that I am so very glad that I took the chance of making another friend. It was in that vulnerable risk of reaching back to someone reaching out that I became your friend and you, mine.
Wow! That was a little like looking in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I don't feel so alone now.