Friday, June 5, 2009

revisiting old wounds


over the last couple of days (besides being a month early to celebrate JoyRebel day when i thought i was a month late - YAY....two celebrations - those tricky J months sound all the same to me...) i have revisited two old wounds


i don't know about you but i feel deeply, love deeply and live life quite open in lots of respects....


i think people find this attractive initially and then they get overwhelmed by the intensity of it or something coz then i loose them...


it is super sucky and i feel vulnerable putting this out there - maybe talking about how i often lose people in my life will attract more of it .... maybe those who i value who read this will start to question if they like me or not.... ooooo lots of scary stuff!!!


any hoo....i will delve into this because this pattern has been returning to my life for some time and i want it over with now ... so if you could help me shed some light i would be grateful...


Situation 1

This week i spoke to an old friend with whom i was once really close and felt like i had found a sister - who suddenly and without explanation stopped inviting me, answering my calls, etc etc.... i had no idea why and i never asked her why (part of me wanted to know, part of me just wanted to run away, part of me wanted to respect how uncomfortable it would have made her and not put her in that situation - cos i loved her)....


losing her was hard.


I was lonely.


i felt like i had exposed my self to her and it wasn't enough- or it was too much- or it was just unlikeable and i should just go for the facade and leave the real me locked in a vault somewhere dark....


situation 2


I answered a skype call from an old love - mostly unrequited - we were together for some time and i gave up a lot to be with him only for him to reject me... ahhhhrgh


the call was him not remembering when he last saw me... his wife not being clear who i am (and my husband knows all about him) - plus i looked like shit coz our time zones are opposite so i got to revisit him without having brushed my hair or got any decent clothes on....sigh...


all this was like picking scabs


like turning back and looking at myself at these crossroads of my life and seeing myself weeping on the side of the road and only being able to gently stroke my head and murmur about how it gets easier...


It bought up not being wanted


it bought up wanting to be wanted


it bought up the pain of not being chosen


it bought up the pain of not being good enough


it bought up the anguish of not knowing why


and the fear of knowing why


it bought up being forgotten


and i sat with that for a while - just writing this has made me slightly sweaty with it all - and now i just want to release it for transformation...


i want to acknowledge that the wound of these times is still visible on my heart...


but that the pain belongs to memory


and not to today


i release them from however i was holding on, knowing that good will flow...and i am grateful for insight


and you


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

joy rebel holiday late is great

Tuesday, June 2, 2009
JOY REBEL FASHIONABLY LATE

I'm late, i'm late....

cramming a lot into my life i frequently am late...partly it is because i have a rich and full life, i give, i create, i connect - and all of this takes time

like this morning - after a chance meeting with a friend who warms my heart i was running to get to my smear test in time thinking i don't want to be huffy and puffy when i get the cold speculum treatment (when in actual fact i got told i looked stylish to which i replied "i always get dressed up when people are going to see my vagina")

like now...racing to get up to school to fax a fundraising letter before i start netball training...before i take my eldest to Brownies...

you know Mother stuff....

and then i remembered i had been late for JOY REBEL DAY...

i mean how could i - lax ship and all

Joy rebellion brings joy to my heart -

it makes me snigger

it makes me think

it reminds me to be open to the possibility of joy in all the most unlikely places

it opens my heart like a smile...

so i would like to take this opportunity to bow to the grand generalissimo of Joy Rebellion, Brandi - yep her what cries in church and loves guacamole and thank her for adding this drop of light into the soup of humanity...

long may it last

my actual joy rebellion holiday was filled with cleaning and a brunch with my family - neither of of which light that spark for me - but the reminders about listening to what brings me joy, and answering that call and not sinking into bitterness or looking at the cost of something to measure it and truely being connnected to what brings joy to my spirit and marvelling about how i could have come out of the same stock as them...

well it brings me joy coz i know i am breaking patterns - ancient bone deep patterns - that no longer serve me as a human...

and choosing joy is one of them....

and as for the cleaning i did - well that was purely to please others but i felt so damn self righteous i might just try it again...

HUZZAH FOR JOY REBELS EVERYWHERE and HUZZAH FOR THE JOY REBEL HOLIDAY (late)