the starving raving artist archtype

i think i am facing up to one of my fears

that is if i open to the creative side of myself , fully, deeply

i will end up an artist -

a crazy starving artist.

There is an understanding somewhere in me that what an artist is is someone odd

so blown around by the winds of their inspiration that they are distanced from the planet,
their hair and clothes always askance,

their minds constantly whispered to by voices unseen....

as a small child i heard a voices constantly which told me things i knew others didn't hear... it made my life hard as a child, to always be elsewhere in my head...

i remember the day that i asked the voice to leave

i chose normality over those whispers and the imagination that i swam in.

With Connies BIG FEARLESS PAINTING COURSE we have been meeting Fearless women who painted BIG.

most of them scare the shit out of me

they are odd, fearless, cantankerous, difficult

but i am drawn to them like a little peice of iron filing to a magnet

despite myself i think of them over and over, Helen Frankenthaler pouring her paint so lovingly onto the canvas, Susan Rothenburg chortling over herself and the big bold beauty all around her, the haunting realness of the people that Alice Neel forced the canvas to acccept... all of them present in their process,

some of them not enjoying the work, but turning up anyway

just putting down what they see

being bold

taking the chunk out of life that they desire and making it theirs....

i want that fearlessness

but i don't want my children to be wounded (Susan Neel's son broke my heart when he said he was damaged by his mother's bohemianism)

i don't want to run off to the South of France like Joan Mitchell...

or maybe i do

maybe that is what scares me

maybe the pull to be myself (and as i sit here early early in the morning so i can get this out before the families' life demands my presence, i look like a dishevelled weirdo!) to be this creative-driven-follow-the-muse-wherever-the-hell- she-leads-me kind of woman is so strong

and maybe i have to choose....

or maybe if i choose love i can have them both

This week we did memory painting and i began by painting memory that was both painful and creative - there was a lot of visible anger on the page...

and now i have been drawn to create a memory painting which is so much more than just anger and fear.. it is the complex sustaining web of love which my grandparents gave to that odd little girl who lived in fantasy....

the beginnings of it are above ... maybe my answer is if i keep coming back to love i can have it all - the creative life and the family life, the voices in my head and the non dishevelled hair ...

maybe i can be saved by love.

GOING BIG

After my painting class where i was advised to go BIG....
i came up with many reasons why that was not a good idea... (no room, only real artists go big, blah blah blah.)

Then the angels got together and decided to get Connie to make her BIG painting class available

who am i to turn down angels?....

i joined up... feeling all brave and like a big girl....

Connie asked us to write an introduction to the group.

And of course, i wanted to tell the truth (and have everyone like me) seem interesting (and have everyone like me) and be funny (and have everyone like me)... so i wrote this -

Kia ora tatau... My name is Jane and I am a New Zealander who is 45 on paper but thinks she is still 18. I have 2 girls (7 and 9yrs) and a lovely husband, a house with green all around it and a big bespectacled inner critic who is very good at bossing me out of my creative urges....

i have powerful creative urges, which i don't trust as much as i could, squander with lack of focus and commitment and caring too much about what other people think/feel/had for dinner...

It is time for me to get my BIG on, to acquaint myself with fearless ... i know that when i trust i am just one BIG juicy peice of gorgeous so i am here to learn to trust

so good to "meet" you all!

that is the truth. I have been noticing myself doing all those things (especially frittering away time on the computer)

but Connie challenged me

she asked me to rewrite the introduction claiming my big juicy self.

She wants my big juicy self to be on the course... not the little scared one (although she will show up too of course)

i can't tell you the level of disquiet i went through...

Is it telling the truth to leave the scared bits out?
Am i claiming the scared bits legitimately or am i giving myself an excuse?
Dare i claim the juicy bits and put it out there?
What does the claiming of that juice require of me?
Do i have the metaphorical balls?

Part of me offered running away as a choice - "No-one would blame you, who needs to be required to be other than who they are to join a blimmen course?"

But a little voice asked me to just consider the possibility that i am really juicy underneath all that crap,

under the littlemaking voices
the excuses
the self deprecation (and yes i did consider pointing out the cultural requirement of self deprecation to Connie...i am a kiwi afterall!)

i got shaken to my bones...

But i want to claim my juice

i want to sing my song

i want to paint whatever it is that keeps picking at the lock on my brain and my heart....

i want BIG AND JUICY

So i wrote this

The BIG JUICY JANE (heretofore known as BJJ) who is showing up for this workshop is...

I am a woman of indeterminate age who makes you wonder. I am full of creative spark, joy, depth, soul and juice. I nourish myself and others by just follwing my big juicy heart. I am passionate, gutsy and connected to the divine....All of this flows into my work which is not always pretty - but then beauty never is....

I think my critic can go (this part is obscured for the sake of public decency) and should go and find a new job in my life (something useful like vaccuming would be good)- the time for trying to "help" by dimming my light is O.V.E.R

When i start painting, I, BJJ will change the world.

i paint, i am a silversmith, i am a recovering nurse, i am a blogger and a photographer....

so i may now lapse into referring to myself as BJJ from time to time but you'll still love me right???