GOING BIG

After my painting class where i was advised to go BIG....
i came up with many reasons why that was not a good idea... (no room, only real artists go big, blah blah blah.)

Then the angels got together and decided to get Connie to make her BIG painting class available

who am i to turn down angels?....

i joined up... feeling all brave and like a big girl....

Connie asked us to write an introduction to the group.

And of course, i wanted to tell the truth (and have everyone like me) seem interesting (and have everyone like me) and be funny (and have everyone like me)... so i wrote this -

Kia ora tatau... My name is Jane and I am a New Zealander who is 45 on paper but thinks she is still 18. I have 2 girls (7 and 9yrs) and a lovely husband, a house with green all around it and a big bespectacled inner critic who is very good at bossing me out of my creative urges....

i have powerful creative urges, which i don't trust as much as i could, squander with lack of focus and commitment and caring too much about what other people think/feel/had for dinner...

It is time for me to get my BIG on, to acquaint myself with fearless ... i know that when i trust i am just one BIG juicy peice of gorgeous so i am here to learn to trust

so good to "meet" you all!

that is the truth. I have been noticing myself doing all those things (especially frittering away time on the computer)

but Connie challenged me

she asked me to rewrite the introduction claiming my big juicy self.

She wants my big juicy self to be on the course... not the little scared one (although she will show up too of course)

i can't tell you the level of disquiet i went through...

Is it telling the truth to leave the scared bits out?
Am i claiming the scared bits legitimately or am i giving myself an excuse?
Dare i claim the juicy bits and put it out there?
What does the claiming of that juice require of me?
Do i have the metaphorical balls?

Part of me offered running away as a choice - "No-one would blame you, who needs to be required to be other than who they are to join a blimmen course?"

But a little voice asked me to just consider the possibility that i am really juicy underneath all that crap,

under the littlemaking voices
the excuses
the self deprecation (and yes i did consider pointing out the cultural requirement of self deprecation to Connie...i am a kiwi afterall!)

i got shaken to my bones...

But i want to claim my juice

i want to sing my song

i want to paint whatever it is that keeps picking at the lock on my brain and my heart....

i want BIG AND JUICY

So i wrote this

The BIG JUICY JANE (heretofore known as BJJ) who is showing up for this workshop is...

I am a woman of indeterminate age who makes you wonder. I am full of creative spark, joy, depth, soul and juice. I nourish myself and others by just follwing my big juicy heart. I am passionate, gutsy and connected to the divine....All of this flows into my work which is not always pretty - but then beauty never is....

I think my critic can go (this part is obscured for the sake of public decency) and should go and find a new job in my life (something useful like vaccuming would be good)- the time for trying to "help" by dimming my light is O.V.E.R

When i start painting, I, BJJ will change the world.

i paint, i am a silversmith, i am a recovering nurse, i am a blogger and a photographer....

so i may now lapse into referring to myself as BJJ from time to time but you'll still love me right???