the more myself i get...

the more i seem to irritate others

i guess then energy i spend in trying to please others is now going into pleasing myself
but this is difficult for a well trained people pleaser like me to feel easy about ...

i know i don't always manage my new self in the most considerate way

(i should have trainer wheels really)

all this trying out new ways of managing things - new priorities, new thought patterns, new strategies means that so many of my rules have changed that i am almost an entirely different shape

i am often surprised when i look in the mirror that i look so much the same

the things that draw me in are things i cannot easily talk with the others in my life about

like this Jar - i made a concoction with Pixie's help and i have used it in baths in chakra massages i have drunk it i have used it in a painting...

all of which would be so difficult to explain to 99% of the people i see each day

it seems the more i get to know myself the more of a stranger i become to the world around me...

soulodge

i am doing soulodge with Pixie Campbell and a whole gathering of wild and sacred women...

this week we are doing work with the plant people

and in my journey this is what i found:


Well my brain had all kinds of ideas about the plant i wanted to use for this... but my intuition and plant people had a whole other idea!

i ended up using Manuka and here is her message to me...

Manuka showed me how she is the one to step in and heal the destruction around her... she has long been undervalued and seen as "scrub" and a sign of poor land management. She was only good for firewood. She grows where little else grows. She is hardy and tenacious (that word again)... She is also the nursery plant for grander trees, kauri, totara, taraire...

Manuka is fodder for sister bee. Recently it has been discovered that Manuka honey has a unique healing property and is clinically tested (that o so important thing in land outside the intuition) to have measurable wound healing properties.
People are suddenly seeing that manuka is a way to make $$$. She is suddenly seen as valuable and no longer summararily chopped down. (i feel a little teary writing this i yearn for that valuing to happen for me)

Manuka helped me see that i am growing on scorched earth - i am repatriating ground - (i see that i am doing that by reclaiming my sacred woman/goddess self, healing generational patterns) the land i stand in is tough and these things have been hard but i am bloody well doing it!

Manuka also spreads many seeds, some come to fruition others die but enough take to make a difference. that helps me to sit with all the creative ideas that whirl through me and be comfortable with the fact that some fall away.. not all need to be successful.

She is prickly if held the wrong way- her sharp little leaves are tough - it is good that she protects herself she has a job to do and it is not to be food for others! AMEN!

She is home to many creatures, weta, ants, birds. By living into my dreams and my truth i nourish others around me... not by sacrificing myself....

I see her showing me that i too must be tenacious, and release the need to be recognised by others. She tells me that my growth is vital to healing, my self and my earth and that protecting myself is valid and right. She said "Your beauty will be seen by those who need to see it. Know that you are worthy of being cherished and of growing. You hold magic".

i will take a photo of the twig of manuka i held to show you but she is so precious to me now... ps i have just realised that manuka surrounded my grandparents bach (beach shack) a place of huge safety and wonderful memories for me...