tough decisions

Pataua estuary 2009

i find it tough to make decisions about whose needs i should meet...



and usually i make the decision to delay/postpone/ignore my needs



i have great training and credentials in that department, i could probably cross credit to get a masters somewhere...



but i am in a space now, of reflecting on where that has got me...



where all this self denial, craven pandering to other people for approval, wanting to be a good girl, being nice, punishing myself has got me...



and the answer is here... where i find it hard to even identify my needs



and so i am going to make a point of really questioning those decisions from now on...



last night i offered to mind my friend's 4 children while she went to the hospital to try and get some answers from the medical fraternity about her ailing health (she probably has fibromyalgia but doctors don't like that illness much so it doesn't get much airtime - mostly coz they don't have any action they can take... those dis-eases are most unpopular amoungst doctortypes)



i have been concious of her pain.



i have been concious of her exhaustion.



i have been concious of her daily struggle.



But i have actively avoided offering to be a babysitter - oh i am an ear (although she has been doggedly trying to be positive so she just can't entertain the idea of saying just how hideous it all is...)



But i need this time and space to create...



for ME to feel alive



I have done my running around meeting the needs of small children time (and i still haven't recovered fully from the time with my own...)



and Fuck it feels traitorous - to one of my good friends...



but i have to be a good friend to myself... to be the one i choose



i will continue to be here for her when she needs a cup of tea but i will also be here for myself...



this is a tough decision but my gut says YES...



Do you have tough decisions like this???