Wednesday, December 9, 2009

tough decisions

Pataua estuary 2009

i find it tough to make decisions about whose needs i should meet...

and usually i make the decision to delay/postpone/ignore my needs

i have great training and credentials in that department, i could probably cross credit to get a masters somewhere...

but i am in a space now, of reflecting on where that has got me...

where all this self denial, craven pandering to other people for approval, wanting to be a good girl, being nice, punishing myself has got me...

and the answer is here... where i find it hard to even identify my needs

and so i am going to make a point of really questioning those decisions from now on...

last night i offered to mind my friend's 4 children while she went to the hospital to try and get some answers from the medical fraternity about her ailing health (she probably has fibromyalgia but doctors don't like that illness much so it doesn't get much airtime - mostly coz they don't have any action they can take... those dis-eases are most unpopular amoungst doctortypes)

i have been concious of her pain.

i have been concious of her exhaustion.

i have been concious of her daily struggle.

But i have actively avoided offering to be a babysitter - oh i am an ear (although she has been doggedly trying to be positive so she just can't entertain the idea of saying just how hideous it all is...)

But i need this time and space to create...

for ME to feel alive

I have done my running around meeting the needs of small children time (and i still haven't recovered fully from the time with my own...)

and Fuck it feels traitorous - to one of my good friends...

but i have to be a good friend to myself... to be the one i choose

i will continue to be here for her when she needs a cup of tea but i will also be here for myself...

this is a tough decision but my gut says YES...

Do you have tough decisions like this???


  1. Oh, sister, I hear you! I am weighing the same things in the balance. Thanks for expressing the horns of the dilemma so clearly!

  2. (((faerian)))
    you know i notice that that really does get easier with practice. this morning i was noticing that i was automatically putting my needs first and not even wondering - will they think i'm a jerk? i didn't care if they thought i was a jerk, i knew what my needs were and that it was my job to take care of them.
    here's to being a jerk sometimes ;)

  3. I so applaud you in this, faerian.
    It's taken me too many long years to finally understand, and then act on that understanding, that my needs (whatever they may be) are valid, important, no less of a priority, than other people's.
    I didn't know what my needs were when I first began to question them, but I knew what they weren't!
    I've now come to understand that it's the times when I'm my own best friend that I can offer assistance to others free of resentment.
    Recognising your boundaries and then honouring them is fantastic self-care.
    Others will respect you for doing this, and it gives them permission to do the same.

  4. thankyou for your kind and loving words

  5. i think you did a beautiful job with it!
    i've been workin' on this too. and something i find really freeing is laying out what i will gladly offer. and let them choose from that.
    like 'i can meet you for coffee and we can talk, or i can make you a dinner and drop it off, or i can help you brainstorm what to do next if you like.' and let them pick from there.
    ya know??? good for you! helping with your whole heart is so much better than doin' it cause we have to!!!