Goddesses in the Making

i am doing a course with the amazing Queen Dani - the changes are so immense, the love so deep it is hard for me to gather them in words here

i just wanted to touch on a realisation i had this morning which relates to my last post (bloody blogger lost 15 comments in their little melt down yesterday which i need to have a mourning period for - i do treasure comments and i feel their loss)

Goddess Pam the Paradoxical from the heART and soul course run by Queen Dani talked about her grand-daughter as a GIM - a Goddess In the Making.

and something clicked inside me

i said in my last post that i wanted to be like the Goddess for my girls

well now i have realised that i have to acknowledge the Goddess in them...

i also see that my frustrations, particularly with the daughter who is prickly and stroppy and at times downright mean are connected to me trying to poke her into the nice box

to take those loose strands of the Goddess that are part of her being and make them fit into the box of nice...

The Goddess is stroppy when she needs to be. She knows how to protect her soveriegnty, she knows when to call out the shit, she knows that nice is just not worthy of her strength and her love.... Nice, being nice, being sweet unnaturally is not the behaviour of the Goddess - that is the behaviour of someone under the thrall of the Bishop....

I have felt this swirling of dismay and anger whenever i have felt challenged by her behaviour, whenever i have seen other people reel back from her fury...

To be able to go a place where i can see this as Kali in action in her, and i can teach her to temper it to the situation, but honour the Goddess in her at the same time feels so deeply right....

My girls and I are Goddesses in the Making...

invented mothering

preliminary sketches

it is no secret that i have mother issues

ha

i have been through long periods of berrating myself about not being able to fix it

not being good enough

not being mature enough

of being petulant, wounded, mean and self denegrating about it.

i have to cut her out of my sphere, even when i am in the same room with her and talking to her - i just can't look at her.

but lately i have come to the place where i see her from a distance.

Like looking down the wrong end of the binoculars - seeing this unending dance and seeing the immense sadness and waste of it all.

but not being too wounded.

and certainly not tearing myself down over it.

I still have grief about not having someone to turn to - an older woman with whom i can be myself and share things safely.

But i am still mostly whole after an encounter with her.

This constitutes a massive victory.

i am tooting my relationship vuvuzela.

As part of my BIG creative leap, i have been making time for meditation - this is a true act of self love and never fails to deliver bountiful juice...

and last week, my meditation gifted me the idea of creating an artwork which allowed me to have a sense of the mothering i wish i had, the mothering i long for...

i saw i could make a mother for myself

and by creating her i can have her there to draw on and nourish me...

part of me feels like a dick ... i mean, inventing someone to be kind to me - what kind of a wierdo am i???

Obviously, i am a weirdo who is willing to fight for the mothering she needs...

and that's ok with me.