Monday, June 21, 2010

invented mothering

preliminary sketches

it is no secret that i have mother issues


i have been through long periods of berrating myself about not being able to fix it

not being good enough

not being mature enough

of being petulant, wounded, mean and self denegrating about it.

i have to cut her out of my sphere, even when i am in the same room with her and talking to her - i just can't look at her.

but lately i have come to the place where i see her from a distance.

Like looking down the wrong end of the binoculars - seeing this unending dance and seeing the immense sadness and waste of it all.

but not being too wounded.

and certainly not tearing myself down over it.

I still have grief about not having someone to turn to - an older woman with whom i can be myself and share things safely.

But i am still mostly whole after an encounter with her.

This constitutes a massive victory.

i am tooting my relationship vuvuzela.

As part of my BIG creative leap, i have been making time for meditation - this is a true act of self love and never fails to deliver bountiful juice...

and last week, my meditation gifted me the idea of creating an artwork which allowed me to have a sense of the mothering i wish i had, the mothering i long for...

i saw i could make a mother for myself

and by creating her i can have her there to draw on and nourish me...

part of me feels like a dick ... i mean, inventing someone to be kind to me - what kind of a wierdo am i???

Obviously, i am a weirdo who is willing to fight for the mothering she needs...

and that's ok with me.


  1. It takes one weirdo to recognise another weirdo my dear faerian friend! I've invented many mothers for myself. My dictionary definition of "weird" is: 1. suggestive of, or caused by the supernatural; 2. strange or bizarre. I'm happy to be weird, now I've read that lol. Congratulations for keeping yourself whole. Love your sketches.

  2. thank you fellow weirdo! I do feel like this suggestion was supernatural in origin - thank you for not thinking that it is kookey...invented mothers are good to have around <3

    i loved when Clarissa Pincola Estes wrote that she wished her daughters found many mothers in their lives - that is a generous and beautiful thing right there....

  3. I think yours is a brilliant idea, Faerian!! One I desperately need in mine own life...

    And I celebrate with you how far you've come on your journey with 'mother issues' ~
    I can only pray I will do as well ~~~

    Bless you for saying what is in my heart ~~~

  4. I respect you hugely for finding a way out of your mother issues. You should have a mother to cherish you, if she is of your own creative making then that is pure love.
    We all have them I think - "mother issues" one of my fears is that i will become her. Just yesterday I heard words come out of my mouth and I thought, "NOOOO! I sound just like her"

  5. ((((me)))) maybe you can scrap your lovely self a mother.... i think the power of having something in your house which resonates the qualities you long for is powerful medicine...

    (((Felicia))) I SO know the sound of my mother coming out in my vocal cords... my friends and i discussed how it is cellular level memory, which acts when we are most stressed/tired/at the end of our rope... i want to heal and release that cellular memory...and not hear or see those patterns being re-created in my relationships now....power to you in your journey past your Mumvoice!