invented mothering

preliminary sketches

it is no secret that i have mother issues

ha

i have been through long periods of berrating myself about not being able to fix it

not being good enough

not being mature enough

of being petulant, wounded, mean and self denegrating about it.

i have to cut her out of my sphere, even when i am in the same room with her and talking to her - i just can't look at her.

but lately i have come to the place where i see her from a distance.

Like looking down the wrong end of the binoculars - seeing this unending dance and seeing the immense sadness and waste of it all.

but not being too wounded.

and certainly not tearing myself down over it.

I still have grief about not having someone to turn to - an older woman with whom i can be myself and share things safely.

But i am still mostly whole after an encounter with her.

This constitutes a massive victory.

i am tooting my relationship vuvuzela.

As part of my BIG creative leap, i have been making time for meditation - this is a true act of self love and never fails to deliver bountiful juice...

and last week, my meditation gifted me the idea of creating an artwork which allowed me to have a sense of the mothering i wish i had, the mothering i long for...

i saw i could make a mother for myself

and by creating her i can have her there to draw on and nourish me...

part of me feels like a dick ... i mean, inventing someone to be kind to me - what kind of a wierdo am i???

Obviously, i am a weirdo who is willing to fight for the mothering she needs...

and that's ok with me.