reverb10 Suzannah Conway's prompt

my brave goddess self from BIG


Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (please note i have a big girly crush on Suzannah Conway - she is brave and alive and creative and hormonal and funny and kind)

The wisest decision i made in 2010 wasn't a single epiphany like "I am going to leave my husband/run a marathon/be a buddhist nun"... although all of those flit through my mind from time to time

my decision was more like a leak of wonderful soaking into my pores

pores that were thirsty (almost to death)

pores that a lot of other things had opened sorrow, self doubt, emptiness, exploration, courage...

and the moisturiser that has cured my souls wrinkles is creativity



It began by discovering how much i wanted to do an art course when i did abc's 100 creative goals list.

So i (after much prevaricating and difficulty in stepping out and saying i wanted to spend hard earned money on something as ephemeral as an art course) bravely chose to do an art course on-line.

i did a Suzi Blu course - the Goddess and the Poet - how could i not do a course named that right? i learned much and explored a lot but mostly found how absorbing and addictive a pencil and paper and mark making can be....

and then i took another - not so good this time... i wanted to explore art that was fermenting in my gut not reproducing a facsimile of other's art...

then God pointed me towards Connie Hozvicka and the needle on my soul's compass went "TWANG"

it shivered

and stopped pointing straight at her

she asked for a bold committment to ourselves and to following up this process and because i am a good girl and i do what i am told

i made that committment

and of all the things i have done this year this has contributed, more than one other single thing, to the sense of increasing wholeness i am experiencing

i am learning to embrace mistakes, be alive to possibility, be curious, be less attatched to outcome, to pleasing others

and i get to fiddle away in my workspace and feel alive as often as i make time for it

and that is the single most wonderful thing i have done for myself in years

REVERB10 - What did you let go of this year

i let go of the strings that were tying me to the sorrow that being an artist belonged to someone else

to someone cleverer
to someone talented
to someone experienced
to someone braver
to someone gifted
to someone in the right community

to someone else

and fuck it
i am so glad i took hold of the joy that if i step forward with courage i can be an artist too

I AM

(victory over death by Colin McCahon)

this weekend i was all stirred up

decisions from the past which were attempts of mine to assert my right to my dreams came back to haunt me

beauty kept bombarding me

mundanity kept ankle tapping me

words flowed

visions flowed

confusion about priorities made the colours i was experiencing muddy and clarity was evading me

so i went for a walk on the beach

winter beach, early morning, thick grey sea and sky, brilliant shafts of sunlight singing through the cloud , them disappearing again reflecting the landscape inside me....

so i called my child self and i called my grandparents....

i told the scared and defensive little girl that it was ok to ask for what she wanted, it was ok to say when enough was enough, it was ok to expect kind treatment...

i asked my grandparents for their thoughts and i was met with warmth and love and acceptance, and under my feet heart shaped rock after heart shaped rock

and it came to me - all the fear i have about inviting big into my life relates back to this time where i chose travel and freedom over my (now) husband - the anguish about the pain i caused still sits inside me - (and him as evidenced by our fight)

I left a trail of devistation when i chose South Africa over him.

i have strived for acceptance and forgiveness and good personhood ever since.

Choosing a creative life felt like facing the same choice - in order to have that was i going to have to jettison the role i have now as completely as i did then?

Will i have to continue to strive to be more than what i am? - a better artist archetype (living alone in some hovel, creating masterworks effortlessly, pleasing all whose eyes fall upon my work)

Will i have to be less than what i am? - (no longer a wife and mother, no longer loved and understood)

and then it came to me - with all the heart shaped rocks and love i felt

I AM

I just am what i am - i no longer have to strive to be better or worse for anyone else.

i no longer have to sacrifice or berate or measure

I AM

i have access to all my resources just as I AM

I have what i need as I AM

it is all possible just as I AM


and my heart went back to Colin McCahon whose work so lights my heart and i honour him here and thank him for the iconography which i see now each time i get scared..


(i am -scared - Colin McCahon)

i just got saved

The thought of opening myself to BIG changes really really scared me

what if i let the Genie out and havoc was wrought???

what if i did run away to create, leave the mundane and just bugger off?

what if i did open up to creativity and just let it all go

and then i found this

Art is the only way to run away without leaving home." Twyla Tharp

and now i am saved