i had a big shift the other day

you know the kind where you hear an audible clunk inside yourself?

it centered around my constant need to be seen

which of course is part of the reason i come here

why i read your comments obsessively

why the kindness of your words fills my thirsty heart so deeply

i have desired the experience being seen for as long as i can remember

the times when i sang with gusto out of tune, danced badly but with passion, became sick,(particularly useful in my family of origin)performed, was the class clown, all of it was my desire to be seen

and in the middle of that desire to be seen was the need to be acknowledged

to define the reality of me

which i am unsure of without hearing about it from the mouth of others....

the sense of only really being real when i am seen through the eyes of others

but the down side to this means that i can only get nourishment outside myself as well - if i need soothing, redirection, dusting off, solace - all of it has to come from outside myself to be valid too...

so with the effort i have been making to soothe myself i was checking in when i remembered - looking inside myself to find out how I felt - and validating myself and being kind to myself whatever it was that i was feeling



and then the clunk

and it felt like just being in my skin was enough

REVOLUTIONARY

AND as a consequence i feel like all i need to do here is share,

not prove

just open my heart further to my friends that come here

and just be

being seen

i believe the thing we all want

is to be seen.

Not being seen in the "God,i know people will see this pimple/grey hair/ wrinkle/cellulite/hole in my pantyhose/ deep ugly flaw in my character" kind of way...

But in this way

" I see your magnificence"

" i see you as a perfect reflection of God"

"I see you - perfect, whole, complete."


this is the way we YEARN for.

Sometimes we try to cover this yearing up with things, we numb it with alchohol, drugs, drama...

But,I think it is what makes us turn to goo around babies - they touch on the place that is perfect possibility - maybe they help us see that moment where we were (hopefully) seen with love in it's most crystal clear form.

"Thank All That Is, there you are, you are perfect, I love you."

The yearning for this being seen can lead us into all kinds of places, damaging and repairing, kind and cruel.

But it is when we begin to see ourselves, see our shadow and our shallows and our gifts and our longings and our stumblings and our accomplishments and our pimples and we can greet all that with Love...

then we see ourselves.

then that is reflected around us...

and then our eyes truely open...

today i wish that you could glimpse your own magnificence...

i am looking for mine

Being seen

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight: Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God: it was never between you and them anyway."
"

- Mother Teresa, a Saint.

Mother Teresa reminds me that no matter how unseen i feel i am always seen

even when i know no noble prize is in the offing i am seen...