morethingsithink

i had a big shift the other day

you know the kind where you hear an audible clunk inside yourself?

it centered around my constant need to be seen

which of course is part of the reason i come here

why i read your comments obsessively

why the kindness of your words fills my thirsty heart so deeply

i have desired the experience being seen for as long as i can remember

the times when i sang with gusto out of tune, danced badly but with passion, became sick,(particularly useful in my family of origin)performed, was the class clown, all of it was my desire to be seen

and in the middle of that desire to be seen was the need to be acknowledged

to define the reality of me

which i am unsure of without hearing about it from the mouth of others....

the sense of only really being real when i am seen through the eyes of others

but the down side to this means that i can only get nourishment outside myself as well - if i need soothing, redirection, dusting off, solace - all of it has to come from outside myself to be valid too...

so with the effort i have been making to soothe myself i was checking in when i remembered - looking inside myself to find out how I felt - and validating myself and being kind to myself whatever it was that i was feeling



and then the clunk

and it felt like just being in my skin was enough

REVOLUTIONARY

AND as a consequence i feel like all i need to do here is share,

not prove

just open my heart further to my friends that come here

and just be