the lumpy bits

i was talking to my friends the other day about the marks of motherhood and age on our bodies.

the sags

the lumps

the scars

the shifts

and one of the souls (who is more evolved than me) could truely celebrate the fact that these were signposts in her life- a signal of the journey she was on - the adventures and joys that have lead to her being the woman and mother she is.

and when i grow up i want to be like that

but right now the lumpy bits seem ugly

and i know i have bought into the youth culture and the myth that beauty is on the outside (and this is why i so seldom look in the mirror)

but i am just having one of those days where the lumpy bits are what i see...

and seeing this pattern of focusing on the lumpy bits and not the journey, or even the bits that are still smooth floors me

i see i focus on the parts that bring pain

the parts that make me say mean things to myself - as if i need to continually confirm that i am unworthy because to say otherwise would crumble so many understandings i would have to stand somewhere new...

so i am making a committment to just see myself...

that means a committment to be open to seeing the lumpy bits and the not so lumpy bits and the bits that are lumpless....

just to see myself

i can leave the loving the lumps for later when i have what it takes to make the leap to the new place to stand

but right now i will just see myself

all of myself

and notice