Wednesday, December 9, 2009

#best09 moment of peace

my best moment of peace in 2009 was when i was deep in anger

i had had a toxic irritating difficult well worn conversation with my mother - chest bared for all buttons to be pushed...

i took the poodle and hopped in the car

i drove too fast on a very windy road...

shouting all the while in my head with all the things i should have said, how much she hurt me, how much she needs to change, how much she needs to be different, how mean, how hurtful....
and on and on and on
and then we got to Pataua beach (above)
i ran down the steps to the sea and after acting normal walking past a couple wandering around the shells, i stomped down the beach
and then, when i was far enough away,
running under the sound cover of the waves, under the shade of the bright clear sky
i shouted
a gutteral, gut-deep, sound that was full of it all
all the hurt
all the anger
all the dredged up shit
and then there was peace
clean, shiny, smooth
the poodle was so concerned about me she came running over
and i could smile at her - a clean smile, a happy smile...