being alive to the artist in me

often i feel not good enough with the one thing that makes my heart sing....

i feel not good enough, not loose enough, not tight enough, not original enough, not compliant enough, not the right shape not the right colour not not not...

but i had a glimpse this morning that seeing that,

being present to my fears about not getting this right,

about being scared about my next move,

about feeling inferior to the task that my heart sets me about contributing to the world with my creativity,

about not fitting in

about not making time for this contribution in the way that i dream about...

that this makes me an artist...

my being flawed and still doing it, being open to learning, being connected to the urges i have...

this makes me an artist

and the more i open my heart, the more that flows to me...

the way it seems

today it seems like it is safer to hang out here

today it seems like getting outside is too adventurous

today it seems like the work i do is not enough

today it seems like all the synchronicities and generosity of yesterday have shimmered far into the distance

today it seems like the gift of an author/artist/poet any creative into the world ...

is enough to ameliorate all that other stuff,

which means that if i continue to listen to the whispers about my work, i continue to follow through and if i push through the doubt and the fear i can maybe

just maybe

ameliorate all that other stuff for someone else

jen gray

jen gray

well, she says thinks that make my hair stand on end...

like she has been listening to the little whimpers and murmurs my heart makes when i am not listening to myself

and then she calls me on them...

with gentle, tender reflection she holds the mirror up for me to look into

- she wrote about the gifts and burdens of being an empath and man alive, did it make part of me feel like i was coming home

and in this post she emplores us to make a list of things that keep us whole and fill us up....

so here goes

my list of things that fill me up, for future reference...

Maeve and Elizabeth
my girls' shiney hearts
and their not so shiny bits which cause me to reflect
walking on the beach
being around big trees
doing some spiritual practise
sharing deep and silly with my friends
travelling
being openhearted
saying no when the choice makes me feel dead inside otherwise

thankyou Jen - not wanting to be a stalker... but you really make a difference

st terese of Avila

the important thing is not to think much but to love much and so do that which best stirs you to love

i have recently been thrown into a world of saints and sinners, love and redemption, history and herstory...

and one of the threads that have been given to me, that i am beginning to weave with is that of this Spanish nun.

Turns out she was outspoken, stroppy, difficult, visionary, and confounding... and she said things, like the quote above which just make my heart sing....

apparently she used to levitate (but disliked the showiness of it so got other nuns to sit on her)

she challenged the male dominated church

saw past the divisions that gender created in her day

and believed in the power of love

and the gift of love that she has given me with this statement is profound

i know when i paint and make jewellery i am filled with fire

i know that when i come back into my daily life, from this time i am calmer, more balanced, more able to give...but justifying that to my strong training as a martyr is difficult...

i hear echos of selfish and thoughtless and.....

but when i listen to St Terese i hear her nodding at my heart and telling me the fire is right...

just listen to love - and then act....

3 little birds

3 little birds is that great Bob Marley song that always makes me feel held and rocked..

"Don't worry about a thing

Coz every little thing is gonna be aright"

when i hear it i see his beaming face and those dreads flying and i think about his shininess and how when someone allows themself to believe they will be alright....

no matter what comes

Now that song has another significance for me - my daughters and i went to Playcentre - a parent lead organisation for early childhood learning in NZ which honours parents as first teachers and children as creative geniuses!

There i met, and admired a woman called Leigh. She was smart and funny and as a Department of Conservation worker, passionate about the environment. She taught the kids so many things, organised trips to island sanctuaries, joined in whole heartedly and with imagination into the games and fantasies of the children. Did i mention i admired her???

Well Leigh's youngest son, Rory has a brain tumor.

He is recovering, just had his last round of chemo and is still in hospital.

He is learning to walk again (the surgery damaged some of the parts that make his movement).

He is weak and tired.

And Leigh writes a blog about their journey

http://www.rorygardiner.co.nz/

(it is heart rending and inspiring and filled with love)

and in one of her early posts Leigh talked about her and the boys (she has two sons) singing Bob's 3 little birds in the car.... i had such a strong picture of them singing strong and being held by the words....

Last week i was asked to make some minature peices for an exhibition (i usually make big) so i bought a song book of Maori songs from a second hand shop, tore out the lines about a warrior coming home from a war and drew Leigh 3 little birds...

When someone goes through something as unimaginable as watching your child endure cancer and the equally hideous treatment for cancer it is impossible to know how to help when you aren't intimately involved...

so i have to beleive that creating and holding them up with energy and love is enough...

inspired by Leslee - for Amy

(us being a family having dinner on the lawn still checking over our shoulder for the hospital staff...)

I wrote this in response to Leslee (www.lesleehorner.wordpress.com) and her loss of her precious friend Amy - Leslee asked us to reflect on the day that our lives changed and this is what came to mind... for you Amy...





the day things changed ...Part one.


My husband and i were at the hospital. We had had a baby a few hours before and we sat there and looked at the carseat and the new little red faced soul in our arms.





it was time for us to go home. To start our life as a family. But we didn't know what to do.





We needed help to get our baby into the contraption and then get the contraption in the car.





and then they let us drive home.





they let us drive her away!





i am sure they should have stopped us. Told us off for taking away a child. We had no experience. We hadn't passed a test, got a manual even... and here we were taking her away to begin life .... No one did - i checked behind me but no one ever came after us....











the other day my life changed Part 2.





the birth of my second daughter...





that was entirely different... she was born at home and her entrance into the world was peaceful and powerful. The most empowering experience i have had. It was hard work and scary at times but i was connected to the energy of all the women before me who had been through this passage. This place that is the closest to death most of us come... I walked that path with them and came out with a beautiful baby, in my lounge, looking into the eyes of my husband, with only friends around me...





that day changed my life because i knew if i did that - i could do anything

INSPIRATION

i want to talk about inspiration

i love how the word comes from the taking in of breath.. it seems so right to me that the word indicates that divine guidance (because that is what inspiration means to me, feels like to me - like a a whisper from God/Goddess/all that is)is around us like the air

unseen

life supporting

free to use

and re use

i found this quote today from Trelise Cooper - a New Zealand fashion designer who has battled depression and made it... she has just designed the most sumptious costumes for the New Zealand Opera Company... and she said

"And inspiration is a mysterious thing- how does it happen and how does it come about? But I do know that if you expose yourself to that sort of thing it all goes into a big melting pot. And eventually comes out again."

I loved that - i loved the idea of if you took something out of the inspiration chalice and used that inspiration, that it became part of the chalice again...

and maybe it actually adds to the chalice

this inspires me to my creative work... this tells me that it is my mission to put out my creative thoughts and expressions, no matter if they are not seen, or recieved with acclaim (of course i want to be lauded as wonderful!)

it also tells me that my thoughts about suppressing my creativity because it is not good enough are wrong... more of that sacriledge i was talking about the other day...

i have often read those quotes about people who say they have to paint/make music/write.... because it is a matter of life and death to them... and i listen to the echos of that sentiment inside myself and i see that i have chosen death - not that dramatic heart clutching stagger to the floor people weeping at my feet death, but the slow incremental dessication....

well fuckit

no longer - i will write down those inspirations

i will make time to act on inspiration

creativity will be a concious act every day

every day

and i will make a list of that which inspires me and keep it close....

and i will do my bit to fill that chalice...

taking a big breath in.....