# best of 09 challenge

(challenges are fences to climb, right?)

the best challenge i had in 09 was about coming into myself





it is nebulous and vast but when thinking about challenges i want acknowledge my movement in this challenge... putting myself in the picture...

i am making choices that honour me (instead of everyone around me)





i am disengaging from people who fill me with dread (not getting mad or even or engaging so much in those long and victorious conversations in my head with them where i say articulate, cutting things and they are cowed into forever changing their lives)





i am painting





i am doing (a little) silversmithing





in short i am saying NO to what i don't want and YES to what makes my heart sing...





that is a challenge i am proud to be engaged in

#best09 moment of peace

my best moment of peace in 2009 was when i was deep in anger

i had had a toxic irritating difficult well worn conversation with my mother - chest bared for all buttons to be pushed...

i took the poodle and hopped in the car

i drove too fast on a very windy road...

shouting all the while in my head with all the things i should have said, how much she hurt me, how much she needs to change, how much she needs to be different, how mean, how hurtful....

and on and on and on

and then we got to Pataua beach (above)

i ran down the steps to the sea and after acting normal walking past a couple wandering around the shells, i stomped down the beach

and then, when i was far enough away,

running under the sound cover of the waves, under the shade of the bright clear sky

i shouted

a gutteral, gut-deep, sound that was full of it all

all the hurt

all the anger

all the dredged up shit

and then there was peace

clean, shiny, smooth

peace...

the poodle was so concerned about me she came running over

and i could smile at her - a clean smile, a happy smile...

the lady at the supermarket

(where the tears live)

i was whizzing with my trolley, full of goodies, mind hours ahead, planning, ticking off lists...









and then i looked over and saw her.









She was moving slowly with her trolley.









Not much in there. Small packets. One portion meals.









Her legs, under her calf length skirt, were bruised in that spreading crimson way that only elderly papery skin can be.









Sensible soft shoes.









Pale blue grey easycare fabric top, to match the skirt.









Her hair curled at the front, a perm past it's best. The back still flat. Probably no one sees, it to tell her.









Her shoulders were rounded.









Eyes difficult to see under her glasses.









And i got those tears that always come when i see someone who looks lonely at the supermarket... when i feel the flood of all the years past... the sense of all the things gone.









She was walking past the beer fridge.









There were two big strapping Polynesian men in front of the beer. Bare strong arms, tattoos, dark glasses...chatting, laughing, just resonating life and vigour.









And she walked up to them.









And she changed before my eyes.









She asked for help to lift a 6 pack from the top shelf.









And she chatted and giggled with the boys who were falling over themselves to help her, smiling and engaging with this friendly alive woman.









And i found my eyes filling up again, in celebration of community, of reaching out, of love in all its forms.

tough decisions

Pataua estuary 2009

i find it tough to make decisions about whose needs i should meet...



and usually i make the decision to delay/postpone/ignore my needs



i have great training and credentials in that department, i could probably cross credit to get a masters somewhere...



but i am in a space now, of reflecting on where that has got me...



where all this self denial, craven pandering to other people for approval, wanting to be a good girl, being nice, punishing myself has got me...



and the answer is here... where i find it hard to even identify my needs



and so i am going to make a point of really questioning those decisions from now on...



last night i offered to mind my friend's 4 children while she went to the hospital to try and get some answers from the medical fraternity about her ailing health (she probably has fibromyalgia but doctors don't like that illness much so it doesn't get much airtime - mostly coz they don't have any action they can take... those dis-eases are most unpopular amoungst doctortypes)



i have been concious of her pain.



i have been concious of her exhaustion.



i have been concious of her daily struggle.



But i have actively avoided offering to be a babysitter - oh i am an ear (although she has been doggedly trying to be positive so she just can't entertain the idea of saying just how hideous it all is...)



But i need this time and space to create...



for ME to feel alive



I have done my running around meeting the needs of small children time (and i still haven't recovered fully from the time with my own...)



and Fuck it feels traitorous - to one of my good friends...



but i have to be a good friend to myself... to be the one i choose



i will continue to be here for her when she needs a cup of tea but i will also be here for myself...



this is a tough decision but my gut says YES...



Do you have tough decisions like this???

FEAR

(my girl with a Ruru (native owl) on her shoulder

My daughter has crappy teeth - she has had surgery and numerous fillings but works bloody hard to keep them healthy nonetheless





Yesterday she went to the dentist.





She was so scared during the examination that she cried.





Those big silent tears that you rub away angrily.





But she held it together and let the dentist work away.





And it was all ok.





She was thrilled.





She came home with a trick dental floss gadget, which she happily used for the first time...





and pulled out a filling.





She was almost hysterical.





The fear of going back, the fear of injections, the fear of pain, the fear of having to let someone do something you really don't want them to just flattened her.





But while i was trying to soothe her, and not negate that fact that she was scared, but not let it overwhelm her as well, I remembered.





I remembered that the last time she had work done, on the way home she said "Worrying about it was worse than the actual thing".





And i reminded her about that and she felt calmer.





How often in my life do i wish that i had had that wisdom. That all the fear and worry and difficulty i invented, before something had actually happened was so much worse than the actual event.





Or that staying stuck in a difficult situation was worse than anything i could have imagined happened if i had stepped out of my fear and into a new possibility.





She is so wise.

being alive to the artist in me

often i feel not good enough with the one thing that makes my heart sing....

i feel not good enough, not loose enough, not tight enough, not original enough, not compliant enough, not the right shape not the right colour not not not...

but i had a glimpse this morning that seeing that,

being present to my fears about not getting this right,

about being scared about my next move,

about feeling inferior to the task that my heart sets me about contributing to the world with my creativity,

about not fitting in

about not making time for this contribution in the way that i dream about...

that this makes me an artist...

my being flawed and still doing it, being open to learning, being connected to the urges i have...

this makes me an artist

and the more i open my heart, the more that flows to me...

the way it seems

today it seems like it is safer to hang out here

today it seems like getting outside is too adventurous

today it seems like the work i do is not enough

today it seems like all the synchronicities and generosity of yesterday have shimmered far into the distance

today it seems like the gift of an author/artist/poet any creative into the world ...

is enough to ameliorate all that other stuff,

which means that if i continue to listen to the whispers about my work, i continue to follow through and if i push through the doubt and the fear i can maybe

just maybe

ameliorate all that other stuff for someone else