sometimes what my head says just isn't true

sometimes i hear a lot of crap about myself coming from inside my head...

i mean the sort of crap that really doesn't help me

you are not good enough

you don't deserve

you are a failure

i am blushing as i type this ... it makes me feel so vulnerable to have it out there in cyberspace...but really how much more damage can it do than when i have it rolling around in my head, smashing up against my tender soul, scraping edges off my heart???

and then i thought about today...

i woke up with three people who love me beside me (well not all at once - it is a moderately slow process of children leaving beds, husbands returning in great white hunter style with hard fought for cups of tea, cats finding the best place in the middle of it all, books retrieved and read out loud...)

i got up and went to the park,(with two rubbish bags and a rake) with my youngest and the poodle to collect autumn leaves for the compost heap....

we made piles and jumped in them, then went exploring over the bridge where i fell in - over my head and walked all the way back to the car dripping and staggering with two bags of leaves like a wet woman compost Santa....

home to a long hot shower, emails from good friends, seeing my children work on projects...

out to visit aging parents and share a bit of children and poodle love around ... listening to choices and versions of the world i feel so relieved i make the choice to avoid.....

watching sky divers drifting down the endless blue sky, shags splitting the still harbour water making ripples and changing the reflections into other worlds...

going to the garden shop and buying seedlings to bring joy and food to my family

coming home to my loving husband seeing our sheep and cat coming to greet us...

and all this - my ordinary, non-guinessbook-of-records-nobel-prize-winning-headline-making life

and i see those voices couldn't be further from the truth