I am in a constant struggle with my creative self
actually that is not true
i think my creative self is in a struggle with my conformist self and i am on the sidelines watching with that quick tennis match action (look to the left, whip head, look to the right, whip head, repeat)
"I really want to get this onto paper/canvas just out there somewhere I am thinking colour I am thinking unrealistic but bold I am thinking..."
"Now hang on just a minute... who the fuck do you think you are? You are not trained, your sense of line is shit, your colour ideas always turn out badly..."
"Yes but this feeling...."
"Feeling schmeeling, stop talking over me... I think you have forgotten how embarassing it was for you when you were trying your hardest and then it looked so amatureish..."
you get the picture
Anway i went to another painting class today with Brett a'Court I was quiet and struggling and feeling not good enough in the company of some quite accomplished artists
Brett took each of us aside asking where we wanted to go - at first i tried to think of the clever things i could say
but then i chose to be truthful
i told him what i connected to in painting was the feeling - Frida Kahlo's intricate tiny work didn't light my fire but her pain and passion did, Van Gogh's subjects didn't always make my eyes light up but his passion and courage did...
i told him i wanted to express in that way but i didn't have the technique
i know he felt my dejection
He said that to paint that way needed to have the courage to put myself out there without protection in the world. That it wouldn't always be pretty (but of course i quoted Elizabeth Cunningham at this juncture) but it would be real and full of feeling.
I said i wanted that.
and for the first time in a long time i felt a click of really wanting something.
Brett told me to paint sloppy and big and fast
and i took courage and trusted myself and i got the BIG canvas out of the car and i painted this still life
and i cried.
i know it isn't Frida or Vincent.
but holy crap it feels like me.
this creation brings me home.
to the home inside myself.
as much as i have that home i long for without time and space,
i am beginning to see i can trust the home inside myself
and the more i express that inner feeling outwardly
I REALLY love this. the post and the painting. Imagine it on a wall. Stunning. And I relate. The only time I really felt in the zone when I was painting was when I was painting on a huge wall and could just let it all out. I hope we see more.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful guide you have found ~
ReplyDeletewhat a wonderful you you are ~~~
XO
I really love your painting, your truth, your creative home. <3
ReplyDeletethank you Jo,me and mollie <3
ReplyDeleteWhen Brett said use big canvas i said that felt like something only real artists did...he said that that was not true and if i needed permission he was a real artist and he was telling me to do it!
And so i am under orders!
I love Brett's orders! Big fan of BIG canvasses here (note to self: it's a while since you've done one!). And there are few art genres I dislike more than Still Life. Sometimes I think it should be called Still Dead. But here's the thing: you just infused your subject with so much YOU that it's alive! I want to do something with your blue jug. I'm not sure if I want to fill it with lemon water or stick a bunch of flowers in it. And I want to know what's beside the jug. I want to imagine that you've painted me a pomelo to eat. Yeah baby. That's art. And the process of trusting our inner home is equally an art, darling.
ReplyDelete♡
Thank you for sharing this with me. It has brought me to great tears. Because I understand deeply that feeling of wanting to speak your truth through painting. I'm so excited that we are about to venture forward into BIGness together....into the company of Van Gogh and blessed, dear Frida.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest hugs ever!!!
Connie