Tuesday, September 14, 2010

snatching a sense of powerlessness

today i have felt powerlessness
Powerlessness over natural processes

my lovely 7 year old woke at 4am with a bad dream

tears on her face she came into our bed and i didn't get back to sleep. I knew i would be tired and jumpy today - the flu has seduced my energy reserves away - they are feeling each other up behind the bikeshed i am sure - and i felt overwhelm at all i had to do on too little sleep.

the more i worried and tried to sleep the harder it got. i had no power to make sleep happen so i rested there, between my husband and my little girl, still clutching my hand and felt the immense gratitude of surrendering to that... that moment that i hope i remember when my baby is a seething mass of hormones...

Powerlessness when you are ill equipped
then we woke up to have a sick and sore little lamb... nothing i could do right then would ease her pain, or the anxiety and fear my eldest felt. Simon thought i should wait, should ask for advice. But i realised i had no power without help to fix it, so i rang the vet, who arrived straight from bed to administer some gruesome but effective treatment. Surrendering to my incapability and not struggling to bash on saved Ripple's life.

Powerlessness when you are scared

I had to go for a repeat boobultrasound today (running the word together makes it seem less scary so humour me)

They asked me to get there 10 minutes early - i arrived on time for the appointment but not 10 minutes early. I think they thought "ha! we'll fix you". There were no other patients, this is a private clinic so no urgent cases rushed through the door. So they made me wait for 20 minutes in a cubicle with a gown that wouldn't secure (my daughter too distraught by the lamb trauma was in the waiting room). Then she scanned me huffing and sighing. I didn't ask any questions - i was upset. Then they made me wait another 15 minutes after the scan was done.

i feel mad. I feel violated. I feel dehumanised by the waiting by the lack of communication by the ill fitting gown, by the threat to my health. All of a sudden i am not Jane with the rather lovely boobs but i am that woman who is late who has the odd complex cysts....i composed phonecalls to the manager, letters to the editor... all witty and erudite of course...

Well crap - i am surrendering that too... all of it - i am snatching back the sense that there is nothing i can do about this system's lack of compassion. I am not responsible for their behaviour. it is out of my control. i am powerless to be their monitor. I choose to take a sense of powerlessness.

Not that i don't think for a minute that i am powerless - o lordy no - i have power in ever second that i live and breathe to make the life and the world i want. But i choose to not be putting my precious heart in the machine they have created.

i nestle back into the knowledge that i am swept along on this stream of universal love which directs me with my utmost good in mind.

I surrender to that trust and that releases me in so many ways.

Mostly it releases me into stillness.

Which is just where i want to be.


  1. Love that you were able to let it go, and to release it ~ I did a bit of the same today...

    No matter what, it will all be OK ~~~

    enfolding you ~~~

  2. Choosing which battles to fight and which to surrender to is empowering :) <3