our deepest fears

(fears are like little stones weighing us down - even though they feel warm in the sun we have to keep still to keep them in place... but it is simple to stand up and let them fall)

"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Rainier Maria Rilke.

my deepest fears are pretty mundane... i read about them over and over again...

i remember the first time i discovered that my deepest fear was that i wasn't good enough...

i had never expressed it out loud before and then, in a writing exercise (a night class i took over 20 years ago, which i never took any further because other people in the class were clever and were doing things like submitting scripts for TV shows, and manuscripts to publishers... and of course..."i wasn't good enough")

i have used that as a big stick in so many things

Over the last 10 years i have used it to describe my mothering... (i was going to start a rant about what the fuck did i think i was doing perpetuating that toxic pattern for my girls ... but then i realised it was the same nasty critic waving the not good enough neon light so i will shut up!)

i have used that as a basis for a career (and please excuse me any nurses but i grew up in a household where doctors were slightly better than God) - i chose nursing - and then i gave that up because i wasn't good enough anymore...

i am not a good enough friend, lover, mother, finance manager, artist, daughter, healer, gardener, animal manager, environmentalist, humanbeing, philanthropist.....i could have filled up my entire blog page with that list...

but fuck it

all that does is bring out that big stick and start waving it about ...

it doesn't nourish me

(it nourishes that bloated old poop of a critic in there and i don't want my soul to be the larder of a meany anymore)

it builds fences

it dissolves dreams

it tears apart the fragile fabric of who i am so that if i indulge those thoughts, i am left in tatters, that any wind can disperse...

and then i just spend shitloads of time gathering up again

but what if Rainier Maria is right

what if those ugly words hide a truth

like

I am so frigging worthy i can open myself up to a glorious life

i can start living my dreams right away

i can bask in my glory instead of spending so much time trying to please and prove to everyone else that i deserve the crumbs i give myself

i can content myself with who i am right now

holy crap!

imagine that!!!

my current obsession

i have been posting with my friends on the Superstupendous SARK forum about people pleasing...

i sound like the ultimate self help book writer's dream...

a new intrapersonal journey to go on and i am there...

maybe that is what needs to satisfy my homebound traveller's heart...

and i am journeying into the realm of my behaviour around being NICE

obsequieous (or however the hell you spell it)

jellylike in the presence of others

considering others more important than myself

not honouring myself

and then feeling bitter

i am exploring this walk.. looking at the markers along the way... seeing the well worn rut it makes in my soul....

and then i am seeing another way.

Where i don't have to be nice for things to work out.

Where kindness and agreeing are not the same things.

where clean is synonomous with honest and honest is honouring ourselves

and in my head i know that the divine is in me - that i am an expression of the divine and everytime i dive into the place where i try for nice rather than true i am sullying the shine in myself...

i want to step away from the saccharine

and i am choosing true....