"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"
Rainier Maria Rilke.
my deepest fears are pretty mundane... i read about them over and over again...
i remember the first time i discovered that my deepest fear was that i wasn't good enough...
i had never expressed it out loud before and then, in a writing exercise (a night class i took over 20 years ago, which i never took any further because other people in the class were clever and were doing things like submitting scripts for TV shows, and manuscripts to publishers... and of course..."i wasn't good enough")
i have used that as a big stick in so many things
Over the last 10 years i have used it to describe my mothering... (i was going to start a rant about what the fuck did i think i was doing perpetuating that toxic pattern for my girls ... but then i realised it was the same nasty critic waving the not good enough neon light so i will shut up!)
i have used that as a basis for a career (and please excuse me any nurses but i grew up in a household where doctors were slightly better than God) - i chose nursing - and then i gave that up because i wasn't good enough anymore...
i am not a good enough friend, lover, mother, finance manager, artist, daughter, healer, gardener, animal manager, environmentalist, humanbeing, philanthropist.....i could have filled up my entire blog page with that list...
but fuck it
all that does is bring out that big stick and start waving it about ...
it doesn't nourish me
(it nourishes that bloated old poop of a critic in there and i don't want my soul to be the larder of a meany anymore)
it builds fences
it dissolves dreams
it tears apart the fragile fabric of who i am so that if i indulge those thoughts, i am left in tatters, that any wind can disperse...
and then i just spend shitloads of time gathering up again
but what if Rainier Maria is right
what if those ugly words hide a truth
I am so frigging worthy i can open myself up to a glorious life
i can start living my dreams right away
i can bask in my glory instead of spending so much time trying to please and prove to everyone else that i deserve the crumbs i give myself
i can content myself with who i am right now