reverb 10 trying stuff AND healing

Author: Kaileen Elise
kaileenelise.com
@kaileenelise

Prompt: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

next year i want to try to do more markets with my silver, maybe sell them in some shops

next year i want to do Mystele's work... it speaks to me so richly and it feels like it is waiting for me

next year i want to dive into deep - completely committed and wholy present to it

i don't think there was really anything i wanted to try in 2010 that i didn't - of course i would've loved to have travelled - pretty much anywhere but particularly to South Africa

so if the chance came up in 2011 that would be grand

but the things i wanted to try and did were BIG and THE TRIBE and they have been life changingly amazing - i have grown, i have experimented, i have felt safe and i have been amazed - DAMN FINE OUTCOME ALL ROUND REALLY!!!

i also wanted to do a market with my silver work and that felt TRIUMPHANT!

Author: Leoni Allan
2011 Creating Your Goddess Year
@GoddessLeoni

Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT??

The things i tried, that were the whispers of my heart - they healed me

i moved closer to my truest self, my heart's yearnings and that made me feel more myself and less inadequate trying to fit into some other person's mould of how life should be..

of course i can never be anything other than who i am

and i feel like i took a big step closer to me this year

and that is the ultimate healing

(i can hear my heavenly helpers cheering as i say this - and wiping their brows a bit - Yes guys, i have finally got it!)

and at the core of this healing is love

if i love myself and my dreams i am happier and more full of love, which i can share and spread around with glee because there is always more being generated if i am filling my life with love by following my hearts desires

it is the elixer of life

our deepest fears

(fears are like little stones weighing us down - even though they feel warm in the sun we have to keep still to keep them in place... but it is simple to stand up and let them fall)

"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Rainier Maria Rilke.

my deepest fears are pretty mundane... i read about them over and over again...

i remember the first time i discovered that my deepest fear was that i wasn't good enough...

i had never expressed it out loud before and then, in a writing exercise (a night class i took over 20 years ago, which i never took any further because other people in the class were clever and were doing things like submitting scripts for TV shows, and manuscripts to publishers... and of course..."i wasn't good enough")

i have used that as a big stick in so many things

Over the last 10 years i have used it to describe my mothering... (i was going to start a rant about what the fuck did i think i was doing perpetuating that toxic pattern for my girls ... but then i realised it was the same nasty critic waving the not good enough neon light so i will shut up!)

i have used that as a basis for a career (and please excuse me any nurses but i grew up in a household where doctors were slightly better than God) - i chose nursing - and then i gave that up because i wasn't good enough anymore...

i am not a good enough friend, lover, mother, finance manager, artist, daughter, healer, gardener, animal manager, environmentalist, humanbeing, philanthropist.....i could have filled up my entire blog page with that list...

but fuck it

all that does is bring out that big stick and start waving it about ...

it doesn't nourish me

(it nourishes that bloated old poop of a critic in there and i don't want my soul to be the larder of a meany anymore)

it builds fences

it dissolves dreams

it tears apart the fragile fabric of who i am so that if i indulge those thoughts, i am left in tatters, that any wind can disperse...

and then i just spend shitloads of time gathering up again

but what if Rainier Maria is right

what if those ugly words hide a truth

like

I am so frigging worthy i can open myself up to a glorious life

i can start living my dreams right away

i can bask in my glory instead of spending so much time trying to please and prove to everyone else that i deserve the crumbs i give myself

i can content myself with who i am right now

holy crap!

imagine that!!!