jealousy and yearning

For many years i experienced yearning and jealousy

these were the times of my life where i was constantly unsure of myself

trying to please others to feel a sense of worth

i was often filled to the eyeballs with that toxic mix of yearning and jealousy - wanting to be where i saw others standing

longing for what they possessed

or what i imagined they possessed

that yearning and jealousy poisoned me, stultified me, paralysed me.

I inadvertantly found that by taking homeopathically tiny steps in the direction of the yearning i became stronger

with each step more able to step again
and again

and now i find that i seldom feel filled with those bitter juices

and i see that all yearning and jealousy are are signposts to my heart's desires that are dirtied and obscured by lack of self worth, self confidence, vision.

our deepest fears

(fears are like little stones weighing us down - even though they feel warm in the sun we have to keep still to keep them in place... but it is simple to stand up and let them fall)

"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Rainier Maria Rilke.

my deepest fears are pretty mundane... i read about them over and over again...

i remember the first time i discovered that my deepest fear was that i wasn't good enough...

i had never expressed it out loud before and then, in a writing exercise (a night class i took over 20 years ago, which i never took any further because other people in the class were clever and were doing things like submitting scripts for TV shows, and manuscripts to publishers... and of course..."i wasn't good enough")

i have used that as a big stick in so many things

Over the last 10 years i have used it to describe my mothering... (i was going to start a rant about what the fuck did i think i was doing perpetuating that toxic pattern for my girls ... but then i realised it was the same nasty critic waving the not good enough neon light so i will shut up!)

i have used that as a basis for a career (and please excuse me any nurses but i grew up in a household where doctors were slightly better than God) - i chose nursing - and then i gave that up because i wasn't good enough anymore...

i am not a good enough friend, lover, mother, finance manager, artist, daughter, healer, gardener, animal manager, environmentalist, humanbeing, philanthropist.....i could have filled up my entire blog page with that list...

but fuck it

all that does is bring out that big stick and start waving it about ...

it doesn't nourish me

(it nourishes that bloated old poop of a critic in there and i don't want my soul to be the larder of a meany anymore)

it builds fences

it dissolves dreams

it tears apart the fragile fabric of who i am so that if i indulge those thoughts, i am left in tatters, that any wind can disperse...

and then i just spend shitloads of time gathering up again

but what if Rainier Maria is right

what if those ugly words hide a truth

like

I am so frigging worthy i can open myself up to a glorious life

i can start living my dreams right away

i can bask in my glory instead of spending so much time trying to please and prove to everyone else that i deserve the crumbs i give myself

i can content myself with who i am right now

holy crap!

imagine that!!!