dismissing, reclaiming and calcification

I spent this morning in the breast clinic getting a repeat mamogram, after they found calcifications there... so i went to the hospital prepared - taking the Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd with me. I read and cried and wrote as i waited with the needle of damocles hanging over my boob...

This book has mainlined it's words right into my bloodstream - i have experienced anger, a welling up, deep sadness i cannot name, powerful feelings of longing and wisdom and connection....

and this is what i wrote in my book in the waiting room (while they were playing Knocking on Heaven's door over the speakers - in a room where women are worried about hearing they have cancer - give me strength!)

I do not want to propogate the myth of the patriarchy for me or my girls.

I want that to stop right here right now.

I want my girls to think they are embraced by he Divine Mother when they think of me. I would like to embody her - a part of her- for them.

I want to dismiss my bishop (Sue Monk Kidd writes about her rule making tyrant in her head as the bishop) and his messages of NOTENOUGHNESS.

I reclaim my feminine path
my intuition
my connection to nature
my deep feeling heart
my interior eyes
my ebbs and my flows
my cycling watery life.

And i Honour that in this world of maleness = rightness I am reclaiming my womanness = rightness

and i gift this to my girls


as i sat thinking about how powerful a change this would work in my life - if i could put my intuition in the driving seat, show the girls how to find solace in stones, trusting the tears and the quiet and the raucous joy... instead of being constantly chastised by my inner PTA Mother "Oh don't do that, that is not normal, you cant think that, that is just weird......."

then as my eyes wandered down the page i found this phrase "calcified bitterness"

what?

"CALCIFIED BITTERNESS"

What am i sitting in an ill fitting gown for? To have calcifications in my left breast examined....

i read again

"Rage or untransfigured anger can become calcified bitterness"

i had the beginnings of calcified bitterness in my breast - my seat of womanhood... ENOUGH - THIS ENDS NOW

Thank you body... that is all the hint i need.... and with that i get the call - ALL IS CLEAR YOU CAN GO...

There is lots of jigggly titty dancing going on in this house tonight!