i said my word for 2011 was courage
i said that i claim my goddess self
i said that i am stepping into my truth
but right now i am feeling like those things leave me vulnerable...
i feel like my acts of courage push the buttons of others...
i would love it if my reclamation of my own power, my quiet revolution, stepping into the creative river and seeing where it leads me, my joy flowing out and washing past the pain in people's lives and making them feel like there is another way...
but it seems like that is not the case
it seems that my increasingly quiet life, my time taken in my workroom, my boundaries protecting this time are ones that prompt other people to feel irritated
i am less busy doing things in the outside world
i am less busy making other people happy
i know in my heart that this is the path for me, in these quiet spaces i can celebrate it but in the wider community where business/busyness is next to godliness i feel shame over my withdrawal from offering myself and my energy to everyone who comes along...
and the people that i see the most are not liking this either - my soul friends and i get together seldom and i can feel the jealousy from some of them about how easy i have it not working and being able to persue my creative heart (they didn't know the years of struggle and the sacrifice i had to get there...)
i am feeling like i am this heart in the river, sitting near the flow, exposed, not able to fully immerse myself because i am feeling the gravity hold me down...
and to leap into the river means i also leap into the unknown, that i drift away from the solidity of what is around me...
why does it all require so much?
My love....I am with you...I recently had a very tough moment with a very dear friend who said I'm not around as much. It all makes me stop and wonder if I should stop this journey but I can't...I have to ...there is nothing wrong with me because I want more time for my creative pursuits...just as there is nothing wrong with YOU!! Why does it require so much?? The only thing I can think is that it requires this much to remind us that we are worth it - we are worth this much stuff....always and we need to go through so we never forget and we have to trust that those in our lives will eventually come to understand...till then, know you are not alone...and so deeply loved
ReplyDeleteoh hecka ya!
ReplyDeletei'm reading this fabulous little e-book Awakening the Inner Shaman by Jose Luis Stevens, and i've read the message before, over and over, but with this book it's starting to sink in, so i thought i'd share it here too (disregard completely if it feels like a load of wonky garblety-gook to you!).
those folks that are resisting us, and i'm totally paraphrasing in my own way here, are our final bits of resistance within us that we need to clear out, that those folks are mirrors for our inner guilt or what have you, that we can't have that time, that we are not worthy of it, blah blah blah. so by seeing them as inner bits of our own crap, and as we clear up/out those innter bits (or huge chunks) the resistance goes away too, in whatever form it's taking (that doesn't mean the folks go away, but the resistance they show us).
is this making any sense? anyway, it's helping me to see that i still hold beliefs that i should not be able to create as often as i want, and lots of barriers are thrown my way to affirm that.
so, working on shedding those beliefs ver here.
i think burning something would be a fun way to do it. :o)
love you jane!!!! thank you for sharing this today, truly!
breathing out a deep sigh of recognition....I have friends too envious of my "free time"....I too put in years of hard work to earn it AND while I may have time to pursue my creative yearnings, I also still "work" in the home & with our kids, etc.
ReplyDeleteonly bit of an answer I can offer to your "why does this all require so much?" is that (I believe) nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Okay my Mom may have instilled that belief in me, but I think she's right.
Oh, Jane, Tracy, Tracie, Natasha...I am so with you girls on this journey!! What each of you is saying is SOOO resonating with me, especially what you said Tracy that these folks are a mirror for our inner guilt, AKA old programing I am thankfully now recognizing, little by little, as such. Yes, YES, we are all sooo worth it!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jane for articulating this struggle so beautifully!
All of you, I am so with you here. And Tracy that is brilliant a mirror for our inner guilt.
ReplyDeleteI think that we are all learning how this works--I mean carving time for ourselves and using it wisely and learning how not to feel guilty or selfish when we do this. It's tough but essential.
Hugs to you all and thanks Jane for your post.
It wouldn't be living if the path weren't a bit rocky...
ReplyDeleteAnd the only buttons you need to worry about are your own...
Big hugs, Jane ~~~
I hear you, Jane. I know that when I'm in my space doing what flows through me I am the best me I can be. It is hard to reconcile this with the world around me, my expectations of myself (Tracy, what you wrote about is huge here), the very real need to pay the mortgage, and so much more. If you let art direct your life, Jane, it becomes a practice and I'm not sure it's meant to be easy - it sure isn't for me sometimes, but you are doing it! Don't stop.
ReplyDeleteJane! Hugs! I so agree with what Tracy said... be gentle with yourself. Thank you for writing about this. I see myself in what you wrote. You said it so beautifully! xoxo
ReplyDeleteAgreeing wholeheartedly with all that's been said. Jane - please wear your "enough" t-shirt and know & believe its Truth.
ReplyDeleteNatasha - that is worth pondering - it is so hard because we are worth it...we deserve to fight for our right to be living the life we have mapped out in the stars that live in our heart... lovely thoughts and holding your hand as you nurse the wound that occurred when your friend expressed that she was missing you x
ReplyDeleteoh Tracy YES YES YES to the crap out there being a mirror for the last bits of resistance left inside - i so see how i am pushed into shame by the energy of "now i am not trying to be all things to all people i am unworthy" thank you for this support... my problem is that i have to learn to soothe myself and not react when that mirror gets shoved in my face!!!
Tracie, I hear you on the worthwhile things requiring effort... i am just a lazy whiner is all... :-P
Thank you Christine, Lynna your support is nourishing...
Mariko - "I know that when I'm in my space doing what flows through me I am the best me I can be." THIS IS THE TRUTH and what irks other people too??? i love this sentence - thank you for it and your kind words x
Lisa - thank you my friend - isn't it amazing how we are mirrors for each other now....
my lovely beloved mollie the Truth with a capital T <3
I feel your pain and I've been there myself. I live in an area where no one really gets me. Thank goodness for the Internet. It's taken me some time to come to grips with it but going a long the lines of what Tracy said, you might want to check out Radical Forgiveness. It has helped me so tremendously. I wish you well in your journey. Much love!
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