authenticity

when i grow up i want to be authentic

i really aim for authenticity in my life

it is something i have had to learn from scratch because we were well trained in it's opposite in my family....

put on a brave face,

smile when you want to scream,

sure, talk behind someone's back but don't say what you really think...

don't-stand-in-your-truth- because-that-will-stand-on-someone's-toes-and-then-they-won't-like-you-and-there-is- nothing-worse-than-that...

and now when i aim to speak my truth (and i do aim for that while taking respect and courtesy into account)

i often get it wrong

i often find that i am in situations where my truth hurts someone

is that because i am inherantly bad? (that is the ugliest voice i hear in my head and i will acknowledge it and let it float on by because i don't want to own it...)

is it that i am out of step with the people around me...and that my truth sounds clattery in their ears?

is it that i hold the belief that i always will hurt someone when i tell my truth?

i think i might just be manifesting that belief...

i get worried about how i will come across, defensive and a bit angry and then i speak my truth with all that in the mix...

i want to change that thought... i am now manifesting this...

i speak my truth and it is honoured and well recieved.

in immense gratitude

i sit, seemingly weightless today...

the big, heavily loaded truck that was barrelling down the road towards me yesterday, rain spraying off the wheels, airhorn blasting...

well it veered off...

and now the road is clear again

i had been prepared for the fact that i may have required radiotherapy...

i may have had sodding cancer

and the test results are back

and they are clear...

the Doc doesn't quite beleive it and is wanting a second opinion, is retesting the sample, is having a second round of tests done...

but i know it is clear...

i had to stay in that place of fear

of seeing my life,

my families' lives completely changed

of revising almost everything

of imagining my funeral (and then rapidly pulling myself back into the now, into pouring healing light into myself, into trusting that life is FOR me and delivers only what i need - and i am pretty bloody sure i don't need cancer!)

i had to stay there in order to come out again...

i had help and love from my family

i had help and love from my SARK forum friends

i had so much reassurance from the love and generosity that i tap into when i feel like i am in touch with the source...

for example

i was walking with the poodle - trying to go about normal life, trying to ground myself, trying to release some of the tension....

but i slipped into how would the girls cope... and how could i prepare them.... feeling heavy and tight and out of my body all at once...

when i saw movement out of the corner of my eye

and i saw a monarch butterfly on the ground (most unusual to see them low down and at this time of year unheard of)

and it gently lifted into the air and moved away...

and it reminded me of lightness

it reminded me of the power of transformation

it reminded me of letting go

and something shifted in me

and here i am

light and released

and oh so bloody grateful!

scared

you know my brain knows a bit about the whole theory of attracting what you focus on....

my heart knows that when it rests in positivity it feels alive and well and vibrant ... and that is what is reflected all around

but when you are scared

like really scared

then it is so hard not to slide into that slipstream of gloom and anxiety ...

the one that comes when a huge truck, loaded with hideous outcomes and terrible possibilities zooms down the road

straight towards you

you can hear the airhorn blasting

and the ground starts to shake

how do you hold onto the positivity and the vision of the perfect outcome then....

i'm feeling the leaves in the trees around me start to shake....

i chose the photo because i have taken great comfort from the part in the bible that talks about how even the smallest bird is taken care of ... these are sparrows that we feed on our fence outside our kitchen window... hoping for some good karma sometime soon

good ole Universe is at it again

POTATOE HEART COURTESY OF BENEIFICENT UNIVERSE
You know when the universe gives you lots of opportunities to see the patterns which are holding you up?



You know when there are the patterns which make you feel small and diminished and less than maginificent.



And the universe sees you struggling with them and thinks (in an entirely benificent and loving way)



(to be read in an appropriately regal and holy and Universey kinda voice)



"Righto, i had better give this lovely soul the chance to see this clearly and sweep it out of her cells before it does any more damage... Now what can i do to highlight the crap pattern to make it so obvious that it is damaging and wrong ... oh yes i could arrange some conflicts of interest, throw up some mirror figures... Oh and what about someone using the same words even that poke her cage...NIIIIIIIICE!"



and then the shit hits the fan



and then you have to live through a week or so of tough stuff before you remember and start practising some of the good work your brain knows (coz you have read all the books right???) and your heart and cells start to agree that you could take some of this new stuff on coz it is better than the old crappy stuff you somehow keep using....



and then the sun starts shining???



and then the world is a better place again????



well that's kinda been the last few days!



hoping you have the wisdom to make the change without the universe having to get involved!

Shutter Sisters - share the sisterhood

Shutter Sisters - share the sisterhood: "</"

my imaginary argument

I don't know if you have these.

I don't know if it is wise to admit in such a public place that i do this kind of stuff, given that it becomes a public record and if i ever get famous (or infamous) this could be used against me -

tabloid headline "FAMOUS FAERIAN FIGHTS IN HER HEAD"

Coz that is what i do

fight in my head

the other day, whilst at the kitchen sink, i was fighting with a woman i will refer to as P. (back story- P is someone i try to avoid where possible but it is occaisionally impossible to avoid her - i was building up to meeting her and thinking of what it would be like i began to find myself ... well fighting with her in my head)

I was counteracting all the crap behaviour she exhibits which does my blood pressure and the big line between my eyebrows no good whatsoever.....

I was eloquent

I was powerful

I was winning.

And then i stopped

i realised how i was creating such a stew of a drama , and kind of enjoying the taste of it - where there was NONE - i haven't seen her for 6 months and although she is unlikely to have changed all i was doing was creating the petri dish for the same old bacterial behaviour to grow...

bitterness, anger, uptightness

and my sphincters all relaxed

and i breathed a bit better

and i swear i heard the "plink" of a tiny bit of crustiness fall off our relationship

so no more fighting at the sink.... and apologies to P...

ode to all the Mrs Nisbets in the world

i was making pinwheel scones with my 6 year old this morning....

(they are in the oven now - sniff deeply and you may smell the cinnamon and brown sugar caramelising....)

and i was making the recipie i got from my form 1 cooking teacher, Mrs Nisbet.

Form one is when you are about 11 - you have just left the cucoon of primary school, discovering that you have friends with different ideas from your family, and that boys may not just be germ recepticles after all...

School becomes more than an endless round of handwriting and four square and playlunch.

We entered the world of Woodwork, Metal work, cooking and sewing.

Now Sewing created an allergy from which i still suffer - it has to do with straight lines which i am genetically programmed to be unable to create. Hone Poutai and i used to have good races on the sewing machines though which meant our creations never looked that good and we were frequently in trouble but it was fun...

Woodwork seemed tedious but i think the teacher just constantly wished he could be left alone with all his lovely tools instead of dealing with noisy 11 and 12 year olds (i can so relate now Mr Mogford, sorry for teasing you about your lovely jumper with all the M's on it).

Metal work was brilliant - we made a shoe horn, (wonky) a swiss roll tin (biffed out from my mother's house, sadly) and some great enamel work which may well have sparked my silver smithing fire... Mr Nisbet was a hoot - we even snipped some of his beard off with tin snips one day coz he kept teasing us about brasso - drawing out the emphasis on the BRA part of the word which was all very well for the D.A.'s of the world who had boobs by then but mine were two years away from making an apperance so this was very blushworthy for me!!! Sounds incredibly un pc but it was a hoot!

But the best was Mrs Nisbet (yes wife of brasso man).

She was sweet, pretty, with tidy clothes, a well groomed bob and patience to burn (actually patience with burning was also one of her good qualities - i attained 2 foot high flames out of the oven when i got too busy chatting to look after my cinnamon toast)

She made delicious, (well apart from fish pie uurrrgh) instructive recipies, we learnt to bake, cook, preserve fruit and more.

She was kind and inobtrusive and it is a testimony to how good it was that for the 30 odd years since i left her school i have carried her recipie books with me.

My girls know her name. They look through her recipie books and cook her recipies with anicipation of yumminess...

for this unassuming woman i would like to offer my deep gratitude for the work she put into the unruly mob we were - she made it possible for me to cook and bake with ease (Mum did it all at home and i saw no joy in her when she cooked so it was unnattractive to me).

people like Mrs Nisbet create a life long legacy - it is impossible for us to tell at the time just how important it will be to have had them in our lives

but i know that i would never have been able to bake with joy and pass that onto my girls without her

CHEERS MRS N- i'm off to have a scone!!!

ps - if anyone wants her scone recipie - let me know

and i would love to hear from you about the Mrs Nisbet in your life!!!

being seen

as i was making the soup (vegetable - heavy on the pumpkin as i am starting to use up the ones we grew in autumn) i started to think about stuff

about how i might post on my lovely community, the SARKforum, how well i had done when, 5 minutes before my daughter had accidently broken the lid to my favourite teapot (20+ years old and in the shape of a globe).

then i thought why do i need to post that.

wasn't doing a good job of keeping my temper enough?

evidently not.

evidently i need to be seen for things to feel real

i need to be noticed by others for the work i undertake, the progress i make, the achievements i attain.

this need to be seen is huge

i pondered on it while i chopped the leeks and then i saw her

the little girl who was kinda plain

who was always in the shadow of the gorgeous, blond curly headed blue eyed identical twin brothers... i kinda saw her peek around the corner trying to think of something to do to be noticed...

such a Doctor Phil/Louise Hay moment (why am i trying to denigrate it? it is meaningful enough to me to have tears in my eyes as i visualise her...)

i see her need to be seen

to be validated by being noticed because her ususal self was a little unremarkable

and i see how she peeps out of me still

"will they notice this?"

"will this mean i have done good?"

that little dark haired girl who sits here typing on a blog - where anyone in the world can see her - seeking validation on the largest scale possible.... -

she needs to hear that it is enough just to do the things she does,

that when it feels good inside her then it is good

and when it doesn't - it isn't

and when she is proud of herself that she is right and good ....

it may not stop me talking about my successes and failures but it is a peice of the jigsaw of me i am glad i found

bone sigh arts :: link us

bone sigh arts :: link us: "

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holding the space

Now lets get this straight from the outset - i like to be the one that fixes stuff... i like to come up with solutions and see things sorted...

for the better

as i see it

of course

and i have had time to reflect over the last week on this annoying do gooder in me (any Coro street fans there - i am definitely an Emily Nugent in this mode!)

Someone who i care about is in a bad place - she is scared and worried and overwhelmed by a possible health issue which has big implications

she is an empowered woman

who has fought battles for her life before-

who has come out shiny and alive and authentic and loving and whole

who knows about the power of affirmations and visualisation and light

but she is in that space (just now, not for good) of being a bit of a crumpled heap - the rug was pulled out from underneath her.... and the fall hurt.... she is a bit winded

and all i can do is hold the space for things to get better for her, filled with healing light and care....

i can beleive that this energy will reach her and fill her up and help her to get her breath back...

but i can't do anything else...

and i have to beleive that is enough....

so help me hold the space and she will be up even sooner

love love and more love to her

joy in my life

joy in my life has been something i have conciously been wanting to draw in for years

i feel the lack of it

i yearn for it

when i am in it i love it, feel energised, and kind of blow it by wondering when i will get it again....

and now i am a joy rebel i want to honour the joy seeker brigade i belong to and talk about how, on this joy rebel holiday, i am bringing joy into my life...

i have just finished an amazing, soul filling, heart opening adventure with my family which i will write about soon...

but i want to celebrate how that put love into the ordinary as well...

apart from getting ready for planes and boat rides - we had no deadlines

we were not distracted by outside influences

we were together- and kind to each other - we had fun together and we got to like each other all over again...

so that now i am thinking about joyrebelness - i see how joyful it is just to be....

how sitting here in the sun with the girls and the poodle and the two over fed guinea pigs eating veges i bought for a stir fry making jokes and just chatting - how that is the best joy there is right now....

i will offer the girls a footspa today, make something yummy to eat, maybe paint the 4 sets of toenails in the house and go for a walk on the beach...

after the school hols i shall head out with chalk to spread a little joy, go to the massage therapist to recieve a bit of joy....

but genuinely being here - being in gratitude for the sun streaming in, for my health, being present with my girls (despite me typing away here) remembering my blessings, loving myself and my family...

THAT IS JOY!!!