as i was making the soup (vegetable - heavy on the pumpkin as i am starting to use up the ones we grew in autumn) i started to think about stuff
about how i might post on my lovely community, the SARKforum, how well i had done when, 5 minutes before my daughter had accidently broken the lid to my favourite teapot (20+ years old and in the shape of a globe).
then i thought why do i need to post that.
wasn't doing a good job of keeping my temper enough?
evidently i need to be seen for things to feel real
i need to be noticed by others for the work i undertake, the progress i make, the achievements i attain.
this need to be seen is huge
i pondered on it while i chopped the leeks and then i saw her
the little girl who was kinda plain
who was always in the shadow of the gorgeous, blond curly headed blue eyed identical twin brothers... i kinda saw her peek around the corner trying to think of something to do to be noticed...
such a Doctor Phil/Louise Hay moment (why am i trying to denigrate it? it is meaningful enough to me to have tears in my eyes as i visualise her...)
i see her need to be seen
to be validated by being noticed because her ususal self was a little unremarkable
and i see how she peeps out of me still
"will they notice this?"
"will this mean i have done good?"
that little dark haired girl who sits here typing on a blog - where anyone in the world can see her - seeking validation on the largest scale possible.... -
she needs to hear that it is enough just to do the things she does,
that when it feels good inside her then it is good
and when it doesn't - it isn't
and when she is proud of herself that she is right and good ....
it may not stop me talking about my successes and failures but it is a peice of the jigsaw of me i am glad i found