Sunday, April 25, 2010


Dad is still unwell but he is recovering

(due in no small part i beleive to the loving thoughts of people all around the planet - thank you)

and the sense of relief is immense

that i don't have to think of life without him

that i don't have to contemplate visiting my mother without the buffer of him

that my girls get a chance to see more of him, to have him and his caring for them embedded more deeply into their beings - sustaining them as they grow

but that relief somehow gets twisted with guilt... does he really want to be around to deal with all the pain he has on a daily basis?

does it mean that death chose someone else instead?

does it mean that i have to pay with something else in my life?

and why do i sully this great thing, this lightness and soaring, with this undertow?

is unworthiness so ingrained in my soul that i can't take a pure sense of releif and let it be just that

pure light and gladness that my dad is still alive


  1. I don't believe it means any of those things. It just means that your dad is doing better and getting better and has some more love to give out and take in. And that's cause for happiness and relief and hope. So grab it double fisted, hold it to your heart and just simply say, "thank you." I have learned over the years that is always enough.


  2. It's okay to feel relieved and to fully embrace that feeling. It's not your Dad's time. He has more love and caring to both give and receive. Celebrate this and deny guilt entry.

  3. i find the 'darker' thoughts come out when i'm exhausted....and a lotta times when the worst is over and i have room to indulge them. not surprised you're havin' these...but that's okay too, isn't it?
    all part of the journey.....
    i'm tryin' to learn to hold it all while chanting 'trust' over and over again...
    easier said than done!

  4. celebrating and resting ... Queen Dani <3 grabbing well with both hands and saying thankyou - for him and for you are right Terri - that darkness is coming from exhausted...kinding and creating myself through that <3

    mollie - i love that deny guilt entry (i am saying it in a Dalek voice in my head and it is funny and reassuring all at once!)

  5. I think it is human to feel all those things. I am getting closer to the same stage with my parents, nothing very serious yet but a constant stream of problems and surgeries. It is so hard a place to be in. And a scary one. Remember to take a little care of yourself. And try to enjoy the moments as you are in them. What else can we do?