for- give -ness

i have a big tender heart

i am easily wounded

i guess all of us are

and some of us are better at hiding it

or have learned to subvert it into something else real quick

anger

self harm

disdain

panic

withdrawal

i have all those in my responsetowounded arsenal

and more

and forgiveness has been a big big thread in my life

i grew up around my paternal granparents who were love in action

they taught me all about love, unconditonal love, kindness, gentleness

and part of that is of course forgiveness

being able to look at what hurts and forgive the hurter

being able to reject the possibility of extending the wounding into the future by carrying a grudge

or ignoring the wound and allowing it to fester

or (and this is where the link to worthiness pops up it's beautiful head)

allowing someone else's damage to impact on our lives causing shame - removing our sense of worthiness

forgiveness to me is about taking the choice to let go of those thread of pain and move on

it is not about forgetting

no evolutionary sense in allowing ourselves to be wounded over and over again because we remove all memory of a dangerous act

no

it is about saying yes to the fact that wounding occurred

saying yes to moving ahead without taking that pain with us in an ongoing flagellation

about saying yes to the possiblity that life is good and will be better

and whispering (yes i have only got to whispering - you might shout and sing and dance about it) "you are worthy of better than this"

it may help to acknowledge that only wounded people wound

but ultimately forgiveness is, for me about you

it is about not allowing that injury to reoccurr

and opening up to the possibility of the new....

I am reading a book called The Treasure of Montsegur by Sophy Burnham

It is a fictionalised account of the life of a Cathar woman who survived the atrocity at Montsegur (it was another gift from the library angels at Whangarei library - bless them)

I feel so connected to the Cathar for some reason but that is a whole other story

the part i want to write about is the forgiveness

there is a Cathar bishop who is encouraging Jeanne (the main character) to forgive

he asks her to pray, visualising the person she needs to forgive

and then in the visualisation give them everything she wishes for herself

then everything she knows they wish for



"It has nothing to do with how you feel about her.....That is what forgiveness means - to 'give for'. It is the only way to set yourself free".


"God doesn't ask it all to be done at once, but only that we be willing. ..It is enough to try. If the intention is there, then all the forces of a spiritual univers will help you reach your goal."

The deep beauty of this overwhelmed me - to cure jealousy hatred meanness bitterness wounding - all the things that require forgiveness with love...

well that is just so beautiful another layer of protection around my heart just peeled away....