fu*king it up

eeep


when i am invested in a painting - like i am of the one with Maeve -


when i want to honour the subject


do justice to the feeling and the passion behind the work


then i get all tight.


i hear the shoulds and i listen to 'em.


and then i fu*k it up

i feel like running around in circles,screaming with my hands waving above my head

....


this is where i have to be truely fearless


and just step back up to the canvas...


when i paint what i am not invested in i always have a fall back position


"Oh, that is just for practise" "Oh, that is just an exercise" "Nah, i don't like that much"


it has no umbilical cord straight to my heart


but that is the kind of painting i am called to do


the kind with the umbilical cord straight to my heart


Not because i am a martyr (ok i am a recovering martyr)


but because in order for this work to mean something for me it has to be an expression of me.... it has to hold my soul in some form and reveal it to those who care to look...


and then their soul can be revealed too... and that revelation can be transmitted to another soul... and on it goes


this is the only way to heal the the world


and this is what i was born to do