see this face
it looks smiley enough right?
nice coloured scarf...
look again.
see the grey hair?
see the wrinkles - especially those ugly and mean looking ones between the eyes - blame all those sun kissed summers on the beach if you want but there they are....
and i look in the mirror (i only look some days because i don't like what i see but i have to check and see if that bloody chin hair is back) and i am shocked at the ugly sallow old thing i have become
that is my truth
i also think i have interesting hair and clothes and not a bad body but that face... i just don't likey
and next weekend i have a high school reunion
so what?
well at school i was pretty
and now i am not
i was also full of promise - i wrote well, i was friendly, i was destined for something or other (think exotic, think interesting)
and here i am: wrinkly, 45, living in my hometown, still fighting with my mother, a stay at home mother...
on paper i am pretty boring
in the flesh i am pretty wrinkly.
and all this is being provoked by the thought of rocking up to school, to the reunion to remeet people i used to be all shiny around and having to own up to this life i have made....
i left my travel dreams for a man.
i became a job that was pretty boring because i believed the careers advisor woman (and i bloody shouldn't have)
Oh yes, i know, my lovely friends, before you jump to my defend my honour... i am making up for lost time- my creative life is rich and fulfilling and developing in exciting and yummy ways.
i have successfully made a family and marriage which isn't perfect but who the hell is.
i am being kinder and more compassionate to myself than anyone in my family has ever been.
All of which are major victories.
But they aren't much to brag about at the school reunion are they?
i would love to invent something earth changing in the next 3 days but i don't hold out much hope for that...
maybe i will just say that i invented post-its.... (and yes that is a Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion joke)
You wrote ~"But they aren't much to brag about at the school reunion are they?"
ReplyDeleteI have to call BULLSHIT here, dear Blue one!!!!!!!
I think they are wonderful, marvelous, fabulous things to bring to a reunion!!!
So there!!! :-PPP
(and remember, everyone else will have wrinkles too!!!)
Haha, I went to one of those kind of reunions once and thought more or less the same thing....(didn't become world-famous or drop dead gorgeous etc.)
ReplyDeleteYou want to know what ? ..
I ended up being one of the few that did not have ruined relationship or a messed up life one way or the other, so there !
And YES of course you have your ART ! (our ART...where have you been stranger ?)♥
Maybe some of those people will hate their careers and hate that they don't have children and hate that they aren't artists.
ReplyDeleteYou are what they want to be!
No one is ever happy with their apperance all the time.... I happen to think you are beautiful, I'm 41 and have wrinkles that are scary!! I work surrounded by "beautiful" people, and sometimes I just can't be arsed to try and look good!
So, when you go to your reunion just remember that you are pretty flaming cool!!!
I'm willing to bet that your former classmates will be a mix of all sizes, shapes, backgrounds, and hair colors. Some will sparkle and some will have faded considerably, but I don't necessarily mean on the outside (though that may also be true). I'm talking about the inside part - there will be some who've built lives they love, lives that fill them to the brim, and there will be others who are enduring until some future date that they hope will save them. From what I've come to know about you, Jane, you are one of the ones that sparkle and shine - inside AND out (despite what the mirror and your nasty gremlin might say to the contrary).
ReplyDeleteMy advise is just be Jane - they loved you then, they will no doubt love you now.
be sweet to yourself Miss Jane - you are WORTHY beyond measure!!!!
Ditto what everyone has said.
ReplyDeleteI feel like putting my "lecturing head" on, but I won't.
You ARE beautiful, inside and out.
You ARE enough just the way you are.
Your face is very lovely.
Wrinkles don't mean a thing, except to say you're alive.
Have you thought that you don't actually have to go the reunion?
If you go, please, please don't make comparisons or feel any less than others.
Whoops - I think I've just lectured LOL
Love, love, love to you (((((((faerian)))))))
sometimes when i'm sitting alone somewhere....
ReplyDeleteand looking at the people around me, there will be people that i'd like to stop and talk to. people that just look like people i'd like. if you walked into a coffee shop when i was sitting there, that's what i'd think. that'd i'd like you. i think who we are becomes more and more obvious on the outside as we grow older. and i think your outside shows a really cool who you are. i think that
i'd sit there and watch you walk by and think that and never tell you...so...maybe i can tell you now. and i think that's not just really an amazing thing to take to your reunion....i think it's just an amazing thing.
your face tells of someone people would like to get to know...what is more beautiful than that? don't not see that, okay?
I think you're amazing just the way you are. I am mesmerised by your natural beauty. Always have, always will be. I would so love to be an amazing Mum like you, an incredible artist like you and a strong woman like you. I am shocked at your feelings about yourself, but they are yours and one day, I pray that you may be ready to release them and envelope the truth. I think Joyce is completely right. I am always amazed when I meet up with people from school, especially ones I idolised, how together I am and how not they are.
ReplyDeleteGo with your head held high! You are an incredible woman.
can't say i noticed the wrinkles
ReplyDeletei did notice the beautiful smile that reaches all the way up to your eyes
(and i secretly love grey hair, though i don't have any - yet)
Listen gorgeous, I'd kiss that face if I could (wrinkly bits or not)! I think you're marvellous. But I get the whole, freak-out in front of the mirror thing....paint your face blue and take a different picture. I promise the wrinkles won't be the standout then ;)
ReplyDeletei am overwhelmed and honoured and held up by your love...
ReplyDeletethank you friends of my heart
(and i am not going blue Dharma!)
Oh my beauty!
ReplyDeleteAlmost time for the big event!
I say - let the damn chin hair come! (Said as I examine the beard I'm growing...)
You are doing hard, real work. Don't diminish it. But don't defend it either. Most people won't understand. You will recognize the one's who do understand by the errant facial hair.
i am on my way now - oh so good to come here to fortify myself ... i shall keep my eyes peeled for chin hair sisters and forget about the wrinkles
ReplyDeletei will just let my heart shine
late to the party here BUT ...
ReplyDeletei didn't attend my 30 (?!) reunion but I saw the pictures and I was horrified on many levels including "am I deluding myself? Am I THAT old?" Funny, when I see that picture of you I see a radiant smile, I see gorgeous hair (my grays are the kinky unruly kind) and this vibrant person who buys herself blue specs. I now see the little furrow lines between your eyebrows - just like mine! - and I try to let mine remind me not to worry so much any more! And I just know none of your HS colleagues have painted a Massively Beautiful Goddess figure! I like the idea that we are operating in more covert ways ... like no one has any idea how much we truly rock it ... and underneath the well loved and lived exteriors pumps the heart of a true artist. Yeah baby, that's you!
i wish we lived closer ... then I could watch for your chin hairs and you could tell me when it is time to wax my blonde mustache!
xo Lis