Monday, April 6, 2009


do i constantly worry about what other people think?

the first thing i do is not check in with myself

but with everyone else...

everyone in my family... circle of friends... random people in the shop... where ever i am i am always seeking approval of those outside myself

what the hell is that doing???

i am just obsequious.

trying for affection outside myself...

worrying myself about every little sodding action and inaction

chewing over and over the negative responses and percieved negative responses (my rational brain knows i have no idea what is truely residing in the head and heart of another)...i digest them over and over (my negativeruminatebrain)

whilst the good things are quickly swallowed incase they get taken away...
no savouring...
conniseur of good feelings? not me...

but i can tell you the intimate geography of every bitter sigh of my mothers that goes off like a bomb beside me when i am in her company and still doing wrong...

does it always come back to her????

dear God when will i grow up?grow out of this?

1 comment:

  1. okay, first of all, you can stop with the browbeating of yourself on this one.

    I don't know anyone woman, myself very included, that hasn't struggled with this.

    why? Because you are human. Because for many of us, we were programmed to and now don't have a ton of role models and guides to another way.

    the fact that you see it is a very huge amazing first step.

    and I also would encourage you to be gentle and not expect yourself to just do a 180 and completely change overnight. It's a process. And it's scary. It's okay to start slowly.

    much love-