being seen

as i was making the soup (vegetable - heavy on the pumpkin as i am starting to use up the ones we grew in autumn) i started to think about stuff

about how i might post on my lovely community, the SARKforum, how well i had done when, 5 minutes before my daughter had accidently broken the lid to my favourite teapot (20+ years old and in the shape of a globe).

then i thought why do i need to post that.

wasn't doing a good job of keeping my temper enough?

evidently not.

evidently i need to be seen for things to feel real

i need to be noticed by others for the work i undertake, the progress i make, the achievements i attain.

this need to be seen is huge

i pondered on it while i chopped the leeks and then i saw her

the little girl who was kinda plain

who was always in the shadow of the gorgeous, blond curly headed blue eyed identical twin brothers... i kinda saw her peek around the corner trying to think of something to do to be noticed...

such a Doctor Phil/Louise Hay moment (why am i trying to denigrate it? it is meaningful enough to me to have tears in my eyes as i visualise her...)

i see her need to be seen

to be validated by being noticed because her ususal self was a little unremarkable

and i see how she peeps out of me still

"will they notice this?"

"will this mean i have done good?"

that little dark haired girl who sits here typing on a blog - where anyone in the world can see her - seeking validation on the largest scale possible.... -

she needs to hear that it is enough just to do the things she does,

that when it feels good inside her then it is good

and when it doesn't - it isn't

and when she is proud of herself that she is right and good ....

it may not stop me talking about my successes and failures but it is a peice of the jigsaw of me i am glad i found