not giving too much away

sometimes i feel like i am leaning on the glass

making a little fog on the surface with my breath

watching while others who know how to do all this stuff that people do

just do it

and i feel like i should be taking notes

or that i somehow missed the manual

and i have to rub the glass,

making that squeeky sound,

to look in again and figure it all out.

And then i meet someone from my tribe - usually when my nose is not pressed to that glass, and they are funny and engaging and interesting and they don't need a babel fish to figure out what i am saying

they just get me

and i realise all the times i went inside the glass and felt like i couldn't breathe and gave away more and more of my sacred truths to people who screwed them up and walked on... well those times were sacreligious

and now i will only give my jewels away to people who gasp with recognition.....

signposts

i have been having a bit of a healing crisis of late... a long slow bubbling of something in me that is making me sit still and rest

and cry with the exhaustion

but i am not a constant blur of action or thoughts or busy

i am sitting

and i am finding that my children and coming and laying on me

i am finding that i am looking at the green out the window

i am finding i am absorbing and not always reflecting the beauty around me

as i was driving to the doctors' rooms yesterday i was in a turmoil

i was aware that i feel like part of me is dissolving and that is slightly scary - unnerving more i think... (*and i am aware of the lurk of cancer in the people around me and want to ward that spectre off and my body is so out of kilter that i keep thinking of big things...*)

but what if the big thing is so amazing - a change so big that my body needs time to prepare and this is preparation

and as i was thinking about this - trying this thought on for size, i drove over Station Road hill, where my beloved grandparents lived and loved me all the days of my childhood

and there was a rainbow

right down flat over the road

and i got to drive through it...

hows that for a magic sign post?

turning the light on

there has been darkness here

sitting on me

damp

dripping



there has been darkness here

weighing on me

heavy

hurting



there has been darkness here

full of sorrow

unknown

real



there has been darkness here

and sheilding my eyes

i reach out

and



turn the light on

things that make me laugh!

i love Eddie Izzard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWRBTFlXFCk&NR=1

blessings of details

my blessings are many

my trials are few

some dark days i find it hard to hold onto these perspectives

but as i swim

the water is cold, the darkness beneath me is full of an ominous hard to resist downward pull

but i resist

and some days that resistance is all i can do

and i see those small things - like the thrush on the grass, or the patch of daisies, both of them being so beautiful, so complete, so whole, so achingly perfect

that the balance shifts and i feel more able to resist...

Mr C.G.Jung

(rock in the river taken last year)


Well - my beloved friend Ena said i should read Jung.



That was about 12 years ago.



I bought a pile of them about 4 years ago.



and then 3 nights ago i started to read one.

"modern man in search of a soul"



And i want to have Mr Jung over for scones... or to play in the sand with him... or to lie on the couch and have him walk with me through the pathways of my soul.



There is something about his humanity which bowls me over....



"I have met with a fair number of failures which were far more impressive to me than my successes"

and the courage with which he has made his way... in a feild thoroughly unknown, forging a path which seperated him from a mentor...

acknowledging the dark side with such love..

"How can i be substantial if I fail to cast a shadow?"

I have spent much time and even more energy in persuit of "nice" - denying the dark, frantically spackling over any entrances to the deep darkness i sense inside me that i am exhausted.

exhausted and dissatisfied.

i look outside myself to others for validation

constantly measuring there

when my words or actions or apperance are not as sardonic or cool or loving or creative or brilliant or thought provoking or contentious, or erudite or.....(add whatever bloody adjective you like) i measure myself as less

when in fact, if i step into the shadow, i will feel my own weight

i will have the balast to stop all this rocking on the waves of the opinions of others

and i will sail the path i was born to... instead of doing the same trip to the hole in the rock (obscure northland tourist trail reference http://www.dolphincruises.co.nz/hole-in-the-rock-cruise/)

i will go out to sea...(and i have just realised the significance of one of my bucket list things- being out at sea and not being able to see land).....

for now though i feel like i am making it past this big rock in the way...

and am excited about taking Mr Jung with me .... and you if you want to come!

a week of blech

(where i should be - that is the poodle rolling in the sand in the foreground btw)

i have been making this poor lap top do overtime

i have been here and there on the internet... caught in the worldwideweb like a fly

and i am buzzing in circles on my back

slower and slower

the gaps in between lengthening.....

i have been sick - just a flu thing... lethargy factor is at 90% - and i find this a highly distracting place to be...

disengaging me from my bleak attitude, the sense that i am out of my rightful place in the universe... that i am getting older by the day and the shining future i saw ahead of me as a young woman has drifted by in this haze of mediocrity...

i don't want to meditate, or write gratitude lists, or eat well.

i sit here, cantankerous and touchy, tearful and feeble

and check my emails one more time...

ha bloody ha universe!

(what i should have been busy lying in all by myself)

so i have been feeling a bit in need of solitude lately

a respite from the din of demands and whines and just the sheer weight of hearing people all the time...

but i haven't taken one...

school holidays...

sick kids...

busy husband....

haven't been painting - or creating much in any realm...

i have just been busy mummingwifeingptaingfriending

and so the universe said "you want silence but you won't take your chance?"

"take this!!!"

so now i have a blocked and rather sore ear!

the silence i craved.....not!