which i have no excuse for really apart from the fact that the things i usually write about here seem blindingly important and i rush to come here...
but i am going to try to explain this wonderful awful woman who arrived
there is a back story
i am (as you may know if you have read here before) and inveterate people pleaser
i try to be a nice girl. i try to be polite. i try to be thoughtful. i try to be good.
But the secret is i have a tail that as Clarissa Pincola Estes so rightly points out, often twitches below the hem of my skirt. Of course this makes me ashamed. It fits none of the categories above.
i have a nose that smells danger but no training as to what to do with the knowledge. To run from danger might be considered rude.
I have eyes that see in the darkest of places but because they often see what no one else sees i stitch my lips together in a sweet smile so that the ugly things i see don't spill out and aren't offensive to others...
These things have made me feel other all my life
i have limped around the world looking for the place i knew i belonged - somewhere surely, there were others who smelled like me, howled like me, saw like me...
I found my family once or twice - my beloved Daryl who gave me the gift of Clarissa Pincola Estes and women who run with the wolves... but i felt so bouyed up by this connection, this homecoming that i thought i was strong enough to go back to the world of the others without protection
it almost sunk me
and so it was by sheer fate that i happened on the SARK forum, kindreds, kindness and clarity all in one pick and mix bag.... seeing other women struggle and follow their hearts was so enriching, so enlivening that i began to do the same
from there i found online art courses...especially the ones with Connie Hozvicka i began to invest in my dreams
i found, by the blessings of all that is holy and the faeries who live in the Whangarei Library shelves Elizabeth Cunningham and Maeve, they are my heart's friends and i live daily heart filling contact with them..
i have done a course with Pixie Campbell on the medicine of plants and stone people and travelling around the points, teaching me to trust my intuition, my deepest knowings....
and i found my way back to Clarissa and that old yellowed underlined book
and the wild woman howled at me from the pages... a howl of welcome and feirceness and blood
and so i took to my canvas with the gesso for texture and orange red and vermillion because i knew that she was calling herself out...
calling out the wild woman
calling out the parts of me that hear to much see too much feel too much are too much for all the buttoned down goodwoman bullshit i have been expecting myself to be constrained by for all these long lonely years
and out she came, in scratches with brushes and leaves and nails, with swoopy strokes of thick globbed paints and tiny dabs of gentle colour
here she comes
she scares me and challenges me and dares me and taunts me
and really she is me
and as Elizabeth Cunningham says "It's not all pretty pretty pretty, beauty never is"
The colour of the sky *the ocean * Elizabeth and Maeve * people who reach beyond the ordinary * genuine generosity *good food * watching things grow * the miracle of birth *a woman's power *tenderness in all its forms * the cycle of life * courage * people with a sense of fun * compassion * beautiful jewellery * art that is made from the heart - without a view to the purchaser or the market but made because it has to come *Clarissa Pincola Estes * grace
LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS THESE ARE MORETHINGSTHATITHINK
i welcome you with warmth and love to the thoughts that grab me .... and the way they come out of my fingers when i make the time in my day as a mother and artist and poodle walker to write them down.....