always respond to things with strong gusts of emotion, buffetted and sometimes even shifted by them...
which like a plant is tough on a sapling, but as a plant grows that buffetting makes the roots strong, creates a tree which is deeply rooted and strong in it's hold on the planet
those big emotions scare me - mostly because they scare other people. I learned long ago to value the reactions of others over my own. Not to trust the feelings i recieve but to check with others first before i decide.
i am only learning that that approach doesn't serve me. That measuring on the scoreboards of others means i am always playing an "away game". I never have my home crowd support, never play on my own playing feild...don't have a chance to develop my own cheerleader team.
i am discovering i don't need the approval of others to be safe.
If i see these strong feelings they are vast.
They are like a sea. A big sea of feelings.
And i see now that it is safe to float on this sea. I see that my boat can manage those conditions, big waves and all.
It is true that i feel scared sometimes bobbing around in that big sea of feelings but who knows what wonderful lands i might reach if i don't keep myself tethered to other people's shores.
i decided while i was away to make an effort to write here - really try and tell stories
because stories are the essence of life
we are all just one big collection of stories
and some of them are true
my story today is about when we got the poodle
Simon and i had gone out to the chaotic house where she was born to choose a puppy.
About 5 barking bouncing balls of fluff, in various stages of dishevellement greeted us on the muddy driveway.
We picked our way to the back door over poodles trying to act as canine tripwires and assorted toys. The breeder opened the door with her 2 day old baby in her arms and looking a little on the weary side she managed to corral us inside and the poodle army outside.
Shouting to her older daughter she cleared a spot for us to sit and we watched as the teenager ushered in a small black poodle who was looking anxiously at the box in the girls arms. A box full of puppies.
There were 6. They were 6 weeks old and their eyes had just opened. They tumbled together, unsure about the little fluffy legs and just how to lift their enormous heads. But more by good luck than good management one little one wobbled out.
i could tell which end was which because i could just pick out a tail, but as she stood their shivering we chose her.
She still shivers when she is unsure.
When i am less conscientious with grooming than i should be she still looks a little like a pushmepullyou.
But she fills our house with poodle love and every day welcomes us with utter joy that we are still in her life...
The twink they had to mark her head with to tell her apart from the others faded after a few weeks but the knowledge that we had made a good choice never has
I have already established that i have a girlycrush on creativity
But i also want to be honest about what kind of friend she is...
there is no other way to say it
she is bossy
She comes into my life when she feels like it
She interrupts conversations, dinner, showers even a trip to the toilet
she demands my immediate attention
otherwise she stalks off in a huff.
i need to be ever ready to carry out her whims, at the very least writing down or sketching her demands,
because if i don't have time right when she shows up she cuts me off.
What she says goes. She is the the one who calls the shots wears the pants holds the reins...
Oh, there are times when i really want her to come over.
I send out invitations,everything is set up to make her comfortable, make her feel welcome...
her favourite brushes ready, nice clean canvas, tools all sharp, peace and quiet
and she is just busy elsewhere...
(someone more interesting or capable i tell myself more than a little jealously)
because she does taunt me with her relationships with others...
skill and ideas and new ways of doing things that appear so effortless to other artists (i mean real artists of course - because seeing her flirt outrageously with others always makes me feel down on myself) always let me see that she is showering her love on someone else...
ok so i am pouty with her sometimes
but i am still willing to be her friend even if she is flirty with others, even if she gets all the attention, even if i am in her shadow ...
because bossy, demanding, unfaithful and snooty as she is
"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight: Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God: it was never between you and them anyway." "
- Mother Teresa, a Saint.
Mother Teresa reminds me that no matter how unseen i feel i am always seen
even when i know no noble prize is in the offing i am seen...
The colour of the sky *the ocean * Elizabeth and Maeve * people who reach beyond the ordinary * genuine generosity *good food * watching things grow * the miracle of birth *a woman's power *tenderness in all its forms * the cycle of life * courage * people with a sense of fun * compassion * beautiful jewellery * art that is made from the heart - without a view to the purchaser or the market but made because it has to come *Clarissa Pincola Estes * grace
LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS THESE ARE MORETHINGSTHATITHINK
i welcome you with warmth and love to the thoughts that grab me .... and the way they come out of my fingers when i make the time in my day as a mother and artist and poodle walker to write them down.....